


Kid Krow (A Poe Dameron Story)

by KaderinTheCold



Series: Kid Krow (A Poe Dameron Story) [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Torture, Non-Graphic Smut, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:41:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28091064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaderinTheCold/pseuds/KaderinTheCold
Summary: *Inspired by Conan Gray's first studio album, Kid Krow.What happens when your best friend doesn't want you around anymore after he learns the truth about your feelings? Did he ever even care about you?
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Original Female Character(s), Poe Dameron & Reader, Poe Dameron & You, Poe Dameron/Original Female Character(s), Poe Dameron/Reader, Poe Dameron/You
Series: Kid Krow (A Poe Dameron Story) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2057967
Comments: 63
Kudos: 65





	1. (Can We Be Friends?)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing for Poe and my first ever multi-chapter fic. Please be gentle.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen to the inspo song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8HyzA2XLwY

“I was just trying to be nice!” you yelled, afraid that you were going to lose yet another friend.

“I told you not to talk to them because they’re weird, and if you did, we weren’t gonna be friends anymore!” Leena Isard - currently your only friend - huffed out, crossing her arms across her chest and screwing her face up so tight that it looked like she had eaten a sour fruit. Her little pink dress contrasted sharply with her green skin and freckles, making her look a lot sweeter than she really was. “If you can’t listen to me, then why am I even bothering to talk to you?”

“Because we’re friends…” was your pitiful reply. 

You knew what was coming next; you’d heard it enough times in your eight short years to know the signs.

“Well, not anymore! Stars, you’re so annoying. I can’t believe you tricked me into being your friend for a whole week. Stay away from me and my _real_ friends, or else you’re gonna regret it!” 

Leena turned abruptly, her arms snapping down to her sides and her little legs taking her away as quickly as they could. Her sharp stomps across the grass echoed in your head, reminding you of all the friends you had lost before her. Fearful of yet another failure, you scrambled after her and grabbed for one of the arms she was violently swinging with every stride.

“Please don’t! I promise I won’t do it again; I won’t talk to anyone you don’t- _uh_!”

Leena yanked her arm out of your small, grasping hands, and pushed with all her might against your shoulders. The pressure threw you off balance and you landed hard on your back, your head hitting a small stone hidden in the grass. Your eyes went fuzzy, either from an onslaught of tears or from the fall - you weren’t sure. The back of your head started to feel warm and sticky, like you had been sweating from playing too hard.

“ _Don’t touch me_.” She had turned around so fast that her dress had gone crooked; she straightened it back into place with her long fingers, the gentleness of the way in which she smoothed the fabric a sharp contrast to how she had just treated you. “You’re so _pathetic_ , (Y/N). Why can’t you just stop being such a bother? I was doing you a favor since no one else can stand to be around you. Did you know you smell? I had to hold my breath the whole time you were near me. And your hair and clothes are so nasty that you leave trails of dirt wherever you go. What, not even your parents like you enough to make you use the ‘fresher every once in a while?” Leena’s sneer curled her mouth up enough to expose her sharp teeth, exaggerating her harsh words.

You turned your face away from her. Lying on the ground as you were, the view of Yavin Prime was unimpeded by the thick jungles of the moon. You had been playing in this clearing with the alien child that had started this whole fight with Leena - this ending of yet another friendship that you wanted so badly.

_Why can’t I do anything right?_ This wasn’t the first time the thought had come to mind, but it usually waited until you were alone, curled up on the ground at night pretending to sleep.

“Well? Are you gonna answer me? Do your parents not love you? Mine do everything for me, and they always give me presents and new toys and pretty dresses like this one. Are you jealous?”

_Of course I am_. 

How couldn’t you be? She had everything you wanted: friends, parents, a home. Someplace she belonged without having to fight for it, a mom and dad that loved her unconditionally no matter what she did or how bad of a person she turned out to be.

“ _They left me_ …” The admission was whispered into the air, as if you were talking to the giant planet in the sky and not the girl towering over your prone form. It sounded so pathetic coming from your mouth; _you_ were pathetic, just like Leena said.

“Well, no wonder you’re nasty. I wouldn’t want to be your momma either.” With that, Leena dusted her hands - wiping the dirt that had transferred when she pushed at your shoulders - and pranced off, her dress floating with the movements, completely unbothered that she had cracked holes in your already fractured heart.

Lying as you were, you could feel the warmth spreading across the back of your scalp from where you landed after the push. You knew it was blood - you’d been hurt enough to know that any scratches to the head bled a whole lot. It was scary sometimes, but the wounds always closed, and the scars reminded you that people were not nice. _Never_ nice. Not to you.

The child that you were trying to play with had disappeared when Leena showed up, so you took this time to lay with the sun shining down on your face. It had been a while since you had taken the time to relax and enjoy the sound of the jungle.

“Whatcha doing?” 

Startled, you opened your eyes that had closed without your knowledge. It was getting dark now; Gran would be wondering where you were. You shivered at the thought of how angry she was going to be.

Looking towards the voice, you saw a boy close to your age in the tree-line. He was hanging off of a branch, swinging like a monkey-lizard and staring at you like you were the weird one.

“Nothin’,” you muttered, “just leaving.” 

You sat up slowly, making sure that you felt alright before standing. You were steady enough on your feet, so you started the long trek to where you and your gran were staying for the night. It wasn’t a home like Leena had, but it was decently warm and kept the bugs that came out at night off of you. For the most part.

“You know your bleeding, right?” The boy’s brown curls bounced as he landed from his dismount off of the branch he had been dangling from. His tan skin glowed in the waning sunlight, and you had to look away for fear of making him angry. No one liked to be stared at, especially not boys that were older than you and meaner than a mudhorn when they wanted to be.

“Yes, I know. I’m sorry,” you mumbled as you laced your hands in front of your chest and shuffled towards wherever you were staying that night. 

Your fingers were clenched together so hard that they turned white. Your tears had long dried by this point, and so had the blood that collected along your back. You would be washing your shirt that night, even if the water to clean it with smelled funny and looked like it came up from the bottom of a muddy well—because it had.

“What are you apologizing for? Did you do it on purpose?” This boy was full of questions (and always would be, as you would come to find out). 

He was strolling behind you, having caught up with his long strides since your legs were so short and made your steps miniscule in comparison. He tried to pull a strand of your hair that was stuck to your neck like it had been glued - that particular clump of hair was on top of the gash you could now feel pulsing at the back of your skull. You winced, but said nothing about his fingers prodding at you. 

“No. I didn’t mean to be in your play place, so I’m leavin’. You don’t have to make me go.” You glanced at him from the corner of your eye, hoping he wouldn’t catch you. You just wanted him to go away. 

You had seen him around before – always with his friends, having a good time and laughing at all the silly things they said. You had tried to become friends with them before, but Jeelor spat in your face and told you to ‘kriff’ off -- which was a very mean thing to say. You had avoided their group ever since.

“You’re not in my play place, this is the middle of the jungle. Anyone can play here if they want to.” He sounded sincere, but you knew better.

“Okay.” 

It was better to just agree and keep moving. That had always worked before: if you left quickly enough, kids would get bored of following and forget that you were ever there.

“Are you going home? Do your parents know how to fix you up? If not, I live close to here and my dad knows how to take care of a cut. He was in the Alliance, so he knows everything.” The boy was so proud of his dad, you could feel how much he admired him in just that one sentence.

“No, but it’s fine. It’s already stopped bleedin’.” You were nearing the tree line and trying to think of how to get rid of this strangely friendly boy that was still following you. Maybe you could hide behind a tree? No, he was too close and would see you get behind one.

“But you need some bacta or something to heal it up. Come on, my house really isn’t that far,” he begged. Instead of waiting for an answer, the boy grabbed your hands and started pulling you in a different direction.

You froze. Your mind was doing summersaults trying to figure a way out of this. _No, no, no! This is a trick! He’s gonna lead me to his friends and they’ll hurt me._

“Please let go of me,” you whispered, panicked. Your heart was racing and you could feel your hands shaking between his steady ones. They were so warm that it felt as if they were on fire. Maybe your hands were just that cold? You did seem to feel colder whenever you bled a lot.

“I’m just taking you to see my dad. He’d be so mad at me if I let you go home like this. He’d tell me,” at this, he puffed out his chest and made his voice deepen, “ _you’re not allowed in mama’s A-wing for a whole week. I can’t believe you let her go off hurt like that; we raised you better than that._ ’ Man, I can’t _not_ fly for a whole week! That’d be torture. Would you really keep me grounded like that?” He threw a look over his shoulder, a bright smile on his face and brown eyes sparkling with laughter.

Since your hands were bound in his, you had nothing to even your gait with, so you were just stumbling after him with a confused look on your face.

“I wouldn’t do that,” you confessed, hoping he could see that you were being serious. If he was being this nice and talkative, you wouldn’t do anything to mess it up.

“Good. Because friends don’t let friends walk around bleeding out, and other friends don’t keep friends from their favorite things.” 

Did he just say you were friends? The speed at which this boy spoke left you bewildered.

“Friends?” you gasped out, worried that if you spoke too loudly you would shatter whatever fantastical world you had stumbled into. You didn’t beg and plead for him to play with you, and you didn’t have to give him anything of yours to bribe him into saying the word.

“Well, yeah! **Can we be best friends** , actually? My old friends were mean and I told them to kick rocks. Like, they were laughing at some kid because he got a nose bleed.”

“ **Can we be friends?** You’re askin’ me?” You were breathless and your questions sounded painfully sad. The tears you had been holding back since he started on the topic of this very one-sided conversation drenched your cheeks. You took wheezy breaths, trying not to sob. 

A friend that you didn’t have to fight for? For once?

“First we’ll have to know each other’s names, but yeah!” He was so unaware of how much his words were affecting you. He trounced along like he didn’t just throw you a lifeline when you were drowning. “And then **if anybody messes with you, they mess with me**!”

You were a little unsure of how long the friendship would last, but his smile and energy were infectious.

“I’m (Y/N),” you said with a small smile, eyes full of happy tears for the first time in a very long time.

“And I’m Poe Dameron.” He looked back at you with the most genuine smile you had ever seen. You fell in love with him instantly.

You had no idea how great the years of friendship with Poe Dameron that lay ahead of you were going to be, nor of all the heartbreak that came along with loving him when that friendship came to an end.


	2. Heather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two is here! I’m going to try and post updates on Mondays, Thursdays, and Sundays until it’s finished!
> 
> The angst train is beginning its looooong journey, so be prepared!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to listen! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24u3NoPvgMw

Everyone had been drinking heavily by this point. Poe had his arm slung over your shoulders, drawing you into his heat to ward off the chilly night. Everyone was celebrating the success of your last mission.

It was successful in terms that nobody was injured. The exchange, on the other hand, could have gone better. But when your friends get the urge to party, there really is no stopping them.

You were the pilot of this little group that made up your circle of friends. Poe had taught you everything he knew about flying, and you had the patience that went along with being friends with a very… Poe… type of person. Therefore, you were the best pilot the group had. You could sit in the pilot’s chair all day waiting on the others to come back from their rendezvous with criminals and politicians alike, and be perfectly happy reading stories on your holopad.

You and Poe had been with the Kijimi Spice Runners for more than a few years now, ever since he had turned 16 and pestered you until you went along with his little escape plan. Everyone in your squadron was a decent being – as decent as smugglers and criminals can be, anyway – and you and Zorii were the best of friends when Poe wasn’t busy shoving his tongue down her throat. 

And sometimes even when he was.

It killed whatever was left of your heart every time they wandered away from the group, running off the make out and fuck the adrenaline still thrumming through his veins out after a successful drop. But Zorii wasn’t drawing him away at the moment, so your heart was safe.

For now.

You were gazing up at Poe, enraptured in the way he was telling the story of one of your many adventures before joining up with the Spice runners of Kijimi. Your fellow runners were all laughing boisterously at your expense, as Poe was describing the time you wiped out in a pile of Bantha dung after trying unsuccessfully to tip one over while it slept. You were laughing along because it was hilarious in retrospect, but you still shoved at Poe’s chest in defense of your younger self. He laughed harder, bringing himself back towards you and placing you directly against his chest with both arms draped over you, cradling you against him. His touch was more intoxicating than the Alderaan Ruge Liquor someone had stolen for tonight from the depths of a collector’s cellar.

You shivered at the delicious feeling of Poe surrounding you. You lived for moments like this, where you were both safe and happy and  _ together _ . Poe’s laughter faded and he glanced down at you, a concerned look on his face.

“Are you cold?” he asks, his hands now rubbing up and down your arms. You blushed, unable to bring yourself to admit that it was more a shiver of pleasure than from the cold.

“Just a little, but I’m alright,” you said, smiling up at him.

“Well, we can’t have that.” Poe released you and started taking some of his layers off. Even with the fire you were all gathered around, multiple layers were necessary.

“Poe, no! Put your clothes back on,” you giggled, pretending to peek through the fingers you had placed over your eyes in mock chastity. Your flush building as he removed one of his sweaters and his undershirt rode up enough to expose a strip of tan skin.

“Nonsense, my princess is cold and I’ve got plenty of clothes to share.” Poe grinned, tugging his freshly removed sweater over your head and smoothing the hair away from your face where his actions had mussed it. “Besides:  **it looks better on you,** anyway.”

You hugged your arms around yourself as you watched Poe zip up his outer layers. Your heart was full to bursting in your chest, and you couldn’t keep the smile off your face.

Once Poe was situated again, you clung back onto him. You wrapped your hands around his arm and tucked them up where his arm met his chest. You gave your fingers a little wiggle and looked up at Poe, a mischievous grin on your lips. Poe’s face was playfully stern.

“Don’t even think about it, (Y/N). You know what will happen,” Poe warned.

“I’m not doin’ anything,'' you shrugged, looking away. Poe didn’t believe you, so he took your hands away from him and gripped them in his own, rubbing them gently to keep them warm.

You were in a great mood, enjoying the evening with friends and getting progressively more intoxicated.

“ **What a sight for sore eyes** !” came Zalos’s bellow from beside you. He was gesturing for Zorii to come closer to the fire and join in on the fun you were all having. She had just come from talking with another group of Spice runners at the party, all of them watching her go and murmuring appreciatively to each other. Whatever deal she had just struck was going to do great things for your little troop.

“No thanks, I think I’m going to head to my quarters; big day and all,” Zorii threw a meaningful look Poe’s way and walked off towards the ship.

**You watched his eyes as she walked by** . There was a hunger in them that hadn’t been there before. You knew what was coming next.

“I think she’s right; I think I’m going to pack it in for the night, too.” Poe released your hands and gave you a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll see you all in the morning.”

With a small wave and a smile on his face, he rushed after Zorii. Off to offer his warmth to her for the night and well into the morning.

“About time,” Arle muttered, taking another swig of liquor, “they’ve been dancing around each other for weeks now.”

“I wouldn’t call it dancing as much as foreplay. It’s always hotter when you’ve gotta work for it,” you said, pretending that your heart wasn’t breaking. “ **She’s had him mesmerized** for a while now. I’m just surprised it took you all this long to find out they were together.” You upended your glass and downed the last of your drink. You stalked over to the bottle for a refill – you’d be needing it tonight. “I thought you three were more observant than that?” you teased.

“Yeah, yeah,” Mille groused.

“Good for them, though.  _ Someone  _ on this team needs a little action,” Arle mentioned, quickly looking to and dropping Mille’s gaze. Looks like Poe and Zorii weren’t the only ones that would be coupling up for the night.

“You’re all weak-willed; sex is the antithesis to rational thought. It drives you all mad with desire and detracts from what’s really important,” Zalos ranted, not for the first time.

“We can’t all be as lucky as you, Zal. Us lesser creatures crave a sweet release every now and again,” you joked. If you could have been as uninterested in relationships as Zalos was, you wouldn’t be in the situation you were now. You could be genuinely happy for Poe and Zorii, your two best friends, for finding joy in each other.

“I’ll teach you anything you want to know, little one. It’s all about meditation,” Zalos supplied, bringing his hands together in an imitation of a meditative position.

You chuckled and took a deep gulp of the Alderaanian liquor, hoping it would provide a deep enough sleep that you wouldn’t hear Poe’s moans through the walls tonight.

_____

“I don’t want to know,” you chuckled. 

You were nursing a killer headache, and the stars shooting by the transparisteel were making you nauseous. Zorii was as composed and pretty as ever, having not taken part in the flowing alcohol last night.

**_Why would he ever kiss me when I’m not even half as pretty_ ** _ as she is? _ you wondered to yourself. You turned your neck so that your head was lying against the pilot’s chair, providing an unimpeded view of Zorii in her morning-after glow.

“All I’m saying is that you need to find someone that can do  _ that _ to you; I promise you won’t regret it.” Zorii looked at you with a devilishly satisfied smile. You rolled your eyes at her antics, having already planned on finding someone to spend a few hours with at the next fuel stop.

“I don’t need to know how good of a lover my best friend is, thank you very much. I’m perfectly content not to know.” Because if you knew how much you were missing out on, you’d feel even worse than you already did.

“Fine; it’s your loss. I’m just trying to give you some new things to try out.” Zorii smiled into her caf, happy that she had made you squirm. She thought that you were anticipating trying out whatever she had been explaining, but you had tuned her out when the thoughts of Poe grinding into you from that angle left you hot and unable to focus on what else she was saying.

“Whatever,” you joked good naturedly, “just try to keep it down next time, yeah? Even in a liquor induced coma, I could hear you guys.” You had woken up to Poe’s groans echoing in your ears; both from the quarters next to yours and from inside your dream.

“Okay,  _ princess _ . We’ll try not to mess with your beauty sleep,” she grinned.

“That’s all I ask.” 

The conversation ended.

You both sat there staring as the stars passed by. You couldn’t focus on any one thought for long, so you were glad Zorii was tuned in enough to notice your inability to function that morning. She just provided the silent company you craved.

After a while, the quiet was broken when the cockpit door hissed open. Glancing over your shoulder, you saw Poe walking in. You threw him a tired smile and looked back out the windscreen.

Poe sauntered up between the chairs, ruffling your hair and placing a kiss on Zorii’s lips. He squatted down between the two of you.

“So, where are we heading, princess?” he questioned.

“Wherever Mille tells me to go; it’s their turn to pick the destination.” You explained. Mille hadn’t woken up yet, being a notoriously late sleeper. You’re sure it didn’t help that Arle and they had left the fire together last night, either.

“Sounds like a plan.” Poe turned to Zorii, some clothing in hand. “I thought you would be a little cold, so I brought you my sweater,” he said, pulling it open and placing it over her head, much the same as he did for you last night.

You sucked in a quiet breath, trying not to flinch. It was the  _ same _ sweater you were given last night.

“And who says I wanted this?” Zorri snarked, hands on her hips and a faux-affronted expression on her face.

“ _ I _ say you wanted this,” Poe returns. He placed a kiss on her forehead and threw you a wink, then strolled back out of the cockpit with a smile on his face.

“What a sap,” you commented. You don’t think she noticed the sadness that lingered in your expression after Poe gave her his sweater. You grew colder at the knowledge that Poe cared for her just as much, if not more, than he did for you. 

You definitely knew that he cared about her in a  _ different _ way than he did you.

“Yeah…” she breathed. She fisted her hands in the sweater and pulled it up to her nose, taking in the smell of Poe.

The sweater he had given you last night had been spread out on your cot, infusing the blankets with his scent. A terrible way of trying to get over your crush, but one of the only ways you could stand not having him there. It’s excruciating that Poe had taken it from you to give to her.

He must like the thoughts of her in his sweater more than he cared about your feelings on the matter. But you had told him you were over it, so over it you pretended to be.

The last time you and Poe had gone off alone together had not gone your way, and you needed to keep the promise you made to him that day.

“When we stop for fuel, do you think you can stall every one for a couple of hours?” you asked Zorii.

“Oh yeah? Did I give you some ideas?” she teased, reaching out her arm to pinch your cheek.

“And so what if you did?” you smacked her hand away and rubbed your cheek. “It’s been a while since I was off the ship and having some fun away from you nerfherders.” Your tone was playful and you threw a knowing look her way.

“You know it’s not me keeping you from having fun; I encourage you as much as I can. I think Poe’s just jealous that when you’re gone you give me control and not him.”

Zorii was right, but it hurt to think that the  _ only _ reason Poe didn’t want you to be with somebody else was because you didn’t give him the pilot’s chair. It had started out as a joke, you giving Zorii – arguably the  _ worst _ pilot out of all of you – control while giving Poe your stuck-out tongue. 

You liked when he begged you to stay, begged you to keep everyone up in the air and on the way to the next Spice drop. But you only gave him a cheeky smile and a promise of being back after a few hours. Sometimes you told him about your plans to find someone just to see if he was jealous for a different reason when you got back late.

He never was.

____

You were sat with your feet propped on the console, careful to avoid pressing any buttons. You had a leather bound tome on your lap, enjoying the story’s plot. The main character reminded you of Poe: brave, brash, and beautiful. You were so enthralled that you didn’t hear the chatter of the trade end, so when you resurfaced at the next chapter you were at a loss as to why everyone was laughing amongst themselves.

“Did I miss something?” you asked, hand to the comm link in your ear. “I wanna be in on the joke.”

“It’s nothing, princess; we were just wondering why you zoned out on us,” Poe replied. You could hear the smile in his voice. “Another one of your stories take you away from us?”

“Of course. None of you are heroic enough to prevent an extinction-level event. You’re actually quite boring in comparison,” you said airily, grinning through your lie. They were some of the best people you knew-- illegal activities aside-- and they knew that.

“Okay, little book-worm.” Zorii was chuckling at the exchange. “We’re heading into the next cantina we find; are you going to join us this time?” she asked sarcastically, already knowing your answer.

“And waste what precious little alone time I have? Not a chance, Rii. You guys have fun out there, but I’m staying right here.” You made yourself more comfortable in your chair, preparing for at least a few more hours of immersion. 

They heard you wiggling around, and laughed at your refusal to join them once again.

“It didn’t sound like you wanted to be alone the other night,” Poe said slyly. “We all heard you and that bounty hunter outside of the ship; you seemed to be enjoying their company.” Poe was chuckling to himself. “What was that? The fifth one in the last few weeks?”

Everyone was laughing and joking along, but you were horrified to know that they had all heard you. That  _ Poe  _ had heard you. And that he thought the way in which you had decided to keep your promise was a  _ joke _ to be laughed at.

“Shut it,” you growled. Everyone was still having fun and chatting back and forth, but Poe went silent.

You heard music in the background, signaling that they had finally made it to a cantina. You were relieved that the conversation was ending and that you had time to calm your anger before they came back. 

You said goodbye to the group and started removing your comm link when Poe’s voice came over the private channel.

“I’m sorry, princess,” he apologized, sighing heavily into the line. “That was uncalled for; I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”

“No,” you said, rage and hurt evident in your voice, “you shouldn’t have.”

“I know you’re trying to work through some things--” he began, but you cut him off.

“Seriously, Poe: don’t mention it. I’m working through it and making progress, so you don’t have to worry.” Your anger was morphing into a melancholy ache that was burning a hole in the middle of your chest.

“I’m always going to worry about you, (Y/N), that’s what friends do.” Poe was trying so hard to apologize, but everything he said was only making it worse.

“I know,” you choked, “just try not to mention my little indiscretion again, yeah?” 

“Come on, it’s not that bad,” Poe joked, trying to console you.

_ Poe, please stop laughing at me _ , you begged internally.

You stared up at the controls above your head, willing the burning behind your eyes to go away. You needed a subject change and to get Poe to leave you alone for right now.

“Hey, could you bring me back some food? I’m not in the mood for anything we have onboard.” 

“Yeah, sure. The usual?” Poe asked, thankfully having taken the hint and backing off.

“You know it.” You forced a neutral tone to your voice, hoping to get him off the line quickly. “But no rush; you guys enjoy yourselves. I’ll just be here.”

“Okay, (Y/N), we’ll see you soon.”

“Okay.” 

You ended the link and tried to go back to your story, but the male lead reminded you too much of Poe again and you had to put it away.


	3. Checkmate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You tell Poe some things that were never meant to be said out loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to the song here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSJlJcat3Ls

You were trying to determine if having Zorii as your friend was better or worse in relation to Poe. On one hand, you loved her as if she were the sister you never had and knew that she was a decent person, if only a little morally ambiguous like the rest of you; on the other hand, you had no one to confide in about your feelings for Poe, since, you know, they were together and all. 

Sure, you were friends with Zalos, Mille, and Arle, but they weren’t your  _ friend _ friends. You weren’t close enough to them emotionally to spill your secrets. You all got along great, but you knew you would never be best friends with any of them.

You considered Kes Dameron a friend since he had known since you were young, but you could  _ not _ go into the gritty details of your desire for Poe with him. Gross. He was the only father-figure you had ever known, so you weren’t going to ruin it by embarrassing yourself like that.

Poe...Poe had been your best - and only - friend for the last decade and a half until Zorii was added into the folds of your heart. You three got along great and used to do everything together. You still went out with them occasionally, but felt superfluous and a bit queasy watching them together. You would always enjoy their company, but when Poe started getting handsy and showering her with affections, you always made an excuse to run away.

You were getting quite good at running away.

______

“Hey, (Y/N)! Do you want to-”

“Nope, sorry! Zorii and I are havin’ a girls’ night.”

***

“Princess! Let’s go-”

“Can’t. I’m almost finished with this story!”

***

“Come see this musician with me-”

“Sorry, Poe. I need to scour the corrosion from the capacitors.”

***

“(Y/N), why don’t we-”

“I’m a little busy at the moment, Poe!”

***

“Princess, can we-”

“Look, Poe, I’m almost-”

“No, (Y/N)!” Poe exclaimed, stopping you as you were trying to run by him with a greased wrench in your hands.

You stopped to stare at him. You could only run away for so long until Poe caught up.

“You’ve been avoiding me for days now -- what gives? You didn’t even do this after-” Poe begins, but you cut him off before he could mention the incident.

“I know!” you interject, clutching the wrench tighter so that it wouldn’t slide through your fingers and land on your foot. Again. “I’ve just been a little busy lately. You know how badly this ship needs a tune up before our next run.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie, but you also didn’t need to replace and re-grease every cog and gear in the galley. But you needed something to do that wasn’t pining over Poe, and this was the next best thing to finding a random person in a cantina.

“Yeah, I know. But you have always made time for me...At least, you used to.” Poe looked wounded, his eyes downturned and mouth in a straight line. You hated to see that look on his face, but what else was there to do? It was getting harder and harder to keep your promise as time went by.

You took a deep breath and tried to think of the best way to explain yourself. You couldn’t exactly tell him that you were failing spectacularly, despite how hard you were trying. Every time you were around each other, it got harder to breathe knowing how he felt about you.

Or, rather,  _ didn’t _ feel about you.

But you weren't going to burden him again with your feelings, so you had to find an excuse that sounded half-way believable.

“I’ll always make time for you, Poe. I just… haven’t been feelin’ like myself these last few days.” 

Which wasn’t a lie. Your mind had been a scrambling mess; unable to focus on anything for longer than a few moments sometimes, and then at others, so hyper focused that you couldn’t think of anything else. You had stopped taking your SSRIs a few days ago, and you were spiralling.

“Do you need help? What can I do?” Poe pried the wrench from your hands and placed it out of the way. He grabbed your upper arms and started massaging your tight muscles. He had done it so many times before that he knew just where to knead.

“Hmm…” you hummed in content and leaned your head onto his warm chest. “This is perfect, Poe,” you whimpered into him.

“Did you stop taking your meds again?” came his quiet voice.

You didn’t respond. That gave him the answer he needed.

“Sweetheart…” he chastised softly.

“I know. I just thought I’d try it again to see if I was gettin’ better,” you admitted. You had been feeling… not great, but alright lately, so you wanted to see if you could manage your anxiety on your own without the meds or Poe. You should have known that the middle of a crisis was  _ not _ the time to stop cold.

“Come on,” Poe said, pulling away from you and grabbing your hands, “we’re going to bed. I know you don’t sleep when you’re like this.”

He was right that you hadn’t been sleeping, and you were absolutely  _ exhausted _ now that he mentioned it. He tugged you along and you followed obediently, anticipating the warmth of Poe lying next to you for the first time since…  _ that _ night.

You got to your quarters before remembering that you were covered in grease and sweat.

“Poe, I need to wash off,” you whined, turning around and trying to walk back into the hall towards the ‘fresher, regardless of how badly you wanted to lie down. Ever since Leena Issard’s comment all those years ago, you took every opportunity there was to get under water and wash yourself free of the smell you were convinced still clung to you. 

Poe wouldn’t allow it, your entwined hands jerking you back into him. He had found your stash of sleep aids and placed one in your mouth, forcing you to dry swallow since you didn’t have a drink in your room.

“Not now, princess. You need to lie down,” Poe coaxed. He placed himself underneath the mountain of blankets on your cot, spreading out on his back and leaving a space for you to cuddle up with him. You sank down gratefully, your face in his neck and his strong arms around you, holding you close.

Maker, how you had  _ missed _ this; missed this closeness and intimacy with Poe. You both had been spending so much time with other people -- he with Zorii, and you with anybody that wasn’t Poe -- that you had forgotten what it felt like to be in his arms.

Your breaths started to slow and your sore muscles were relaxing after days of tension. The excess adrenaline in your system was fading, replaced by the meds and dopamine that Poe was so good at making your brain produce.

“That’s it,” he cooed, running one hand over your head and smoothing down your frazzled hair. 

You both stayed like that for quite a while. You felt peaceful, warmth suffusing from the top of your head and down to the tips of your toes. Being with Poe like this always made you feel good and was one of the main reasons you had fallen so hard for him.

“You know you could have come to me,” Poe whispered, one hand still in your hair and the other rubbing soothingly along your back.

You were in the hazy state between wakefulness and sleep where nothing was real, causing your mouth to open before your brain could realize what was about to come out.

“ **You did some damage, so I’m makin’ you pay** ,” you muttered into his chest, so close to falling asleep that consequences didn’t exist. 

You felt him stiffen beneath your fingers, which were fisted tightly in his shirt. The action didn’t register fully in your mind, causing you to be unaware of just how badly you had messed up.

“What?”

“ **I’ve gotten tired of the games that you play. When you tell me you love me then you throw me away** . It hurts. And I thought the others could help me forget you, but there’s no forgettin’ you, Poe.”

“(Y/N)...” Poe started to move out from underneath you, but you held on fast, refusing to let him put distance between you. “(Y/N), what are you saying? You know I wouldn’t do that.”

“You might not realize it, but I do. I do…” Your eyes were closed and it didn’t feel like you were present in your own body. It just felt so  _ good _ to be like this with Poe. 

Why didn’t he feel the same way?

“I’ve never said I loved you, (Y/N),” Poe whispered, desperate to understand what your clouded mind was trying to say.

“Nooo,” you slurred, “you’ve never said it verbally, but you’ve shown me. Like when we’re around the fires? And you’re holdin’ me? I feel it then.” You were grinning into him upon recalling those nights, unaware that he was watching you with something like horror coming over his face.

“Princess, I don’t know what to say,” Poe cried out softly. “I wouldn’t have done that if I had known.”

“ _ Princess _ ,” you echoed him, the rest of his statement lost to the circulated air of your quarters, “that’s another way you tell me you love me.”

“Maker, (Y/N), why didn’t you ever tell me?” Poe was barely breathing under you. He felt so trapped and was desperate to get away.

“Because I just wanted to pretend you loved me, too.” 

Your hands had gone lax against his chest and your head lolled to the side. Poe took this opportunity to slide off of the cot and start pacing the room. You cried softly out to him, making pathetically weak grasping motions in his direction, but he didn’t return to you.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N),” he begged off, his hands fisting in his hair so hard he was liable to pull out chunks. 

He paced the length of your room once more and hurried to the door, not even pausing to look back at you. 

In the time it had taken for him to stand up and make his way out, you had fallen asleep, memories of this conversation already forgotten


	4. Fight or Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe makes a decision you never thought he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whomp whomp. I'm sorry about this, you guys.
> 
> Trigger warnings: abandonment issues, panic attack, anxiety, and Poe (because he deserves a warning for this chapter)
> 
> Listen to the song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYd-psJ3QLo

“ **Somethin’s gotten into you,** ” you stated as you stared at Poe with narrowed eyes, suspicious.

“Nothing has gotten into me, (Y/N),” Poe defended, but he continued stirring his bone broth without taking a sip or looking up at you.

“Okaaaay…” you drawled. You didn’t believe him; something had happened last night that made him like this, but you couldn’t for the life of you figure out what it was.

“Did I sleepwalk naked around the cruiser or somethin’?” You joked, trying to break the tension and bring a smile to his face. You did not succeed. “ **You don’t really look at me the way you used to,** ” you continued to jest.

Poe let out a deep breath, preparing himself for something.

Arle, Mille, and Zalos had gone to trade with a new customer across town, while you, Poe, and Zorii had stayed behind to meet with a repeat client. The chatter over the line sounded promising.

Zorii returned to the table with three drinks in hand. She set them down and looked between you and Poe, sensing the tension.

“Am I interrupting something?” she asked, quirking an eyebrow at the two of you.

“I really don’t know,” you replied. You tilted your head at Poe, silently asking what was going on.

“Sit down, Zorii, I have to talk to you both.” Poe’s shoulders were tense and his posture rigid, a determined look on his face.

“Ooh, sounds ominous.” Zorii plopped down beside you, hands clasped in front of her while she leaned closer to Poe over the table. You wished you were as calm as she was, but your heart was racing and your hands had gone clammy.

Whatever Poe was about to say, you weren’t going to like it.

“Just know that I have been thinking about this for a while now, and only recently have…  _ events _ transpired,” at his phrasing, Poe glanced at you quickly then averted his gaze back to the table, “that have led me to finally make up my mind.”

_ Oh, kriff _ , you thought,  _ whatever he’s planning is because of me. _

“What kind of events?” Zorii questioned, unable to let his choice of words and meaningful glance at you slide.

Poe’s breath puffed out his cheeks, and his eyes started roving around the cantina, trying to think of something to say. He rubbed at his collarbone and adjusted the position of his mother’s ring on the chain around his throat. He looked back at the two of you.

“We’ve all heard the whispers about the First Order,” he tried.

“So?” prompted Zorii. “We hear  _ whispers _ about a lot of people all the time. What events have the First Order been a part of recently that have you so wound up?”

You knew that the First Order had very little to do with the decision Poe had made, while you had  _ everything _ to do with what was about to happen.

Realization dawned on you, bright as a supernova.

“You’re leaving,” you whispered. You stared hard at his face, hoping he would contradict you.

Instead of assuaging your fears and reassuring you that he would never leave you behind, he simply replied, “yes,  _ I’m _ leaving.” 

He emphasized the one word he knew would break your heart and make you understand that this journey the two of you had been on was now over.

You couldn’t breathe through the fear that was refusing to allow your lungs the expansion they needed. Zorii and Poe were arguing with each other, but your ears were ringing and you could only hear the rush of your blood. Your heart was thumping a fast rhythm in your chest, requiring more oxygen than your lungs were bringing in. The edges of your vision were going black and you began to panic.

You scrambled up from your seat, leaning heavily against the table for balance. History was repeating itself, but this time it was  _ so much worse _ . Poe had been by your side for so long that you had almost forgotten the feeling of losing a friend.

Now the memories were sizzling through your brain, the only things you could focus on in the moment. You were rushing outside in hopes that the cool air would calm your roiling stomach and staunch the urge to vomit.

A hand grabbed your arm and you flung it away violently, stumbling towards the door and out into the night.

You collapsed against the side of the building, head in your hands between your bent knees. You were trying to take in deep breaths, but you were hyperventilating instead. You hadn’t had a panic attack in years, so it was hard for you to remember your breathing techniques.

You slowly became aware that there was a hand rubbing against your thigh and a voice urging you to match their breathing. You tried to breathe along with them, but it took far longer than you were prepared for.

“(Y/N), just let me explain-” Poe pleaded from his crouched position in front of you.

“I think you’ve done enough, Dameron,” Zorii spat at him. Her hand was still rubbing your thigh vigorously to help you focus on something other than the chaos in your body and mind.

“You know this is something dad has always wanted,” he continued, trying to help you understand, “for me to follow in their footsteps.”

But you refused to understand. It hurt too much to sit there and let Poe lay all his excuses at your feet.

“G-get me out of her, Rii,” you wheezed. 

You gripped her hand hard and let her pull you up and into her side. Zorii was supporting the majority of your weight, but you were able to shuffle forward with her guidance. Your eyes were still fuzzy and your head was pounding, but the worst of the panic attack was over.

“(Y/N), please!” Poe was struggling with your refusal to look at him, having never experienced this side of you. “ **It’s** **not what it seems** , I’m just trying to help you.”

_ Do  _ not _ cry.  _ **_I’d rather die than have to cry in front of_ ** _ him right now _ . 

“Help by being an asshole? Kriff off, Poe,” Zorii defended you. “Go be a pilot for the New Republic and leave us alone.”

“I’m not leaving until you guys aren’t mad at me,” Poe pronounced while opening the ship’s bay to allow you all inside the relative warmth of the hull.

“You’ll be here for an eternity, if that’s the case,” Zorii hissed. She was leading you to her quarters for some peace and quiet, but Poe couldn’t stand your silence.

“Princ- (Y/N),” his slip up was  _ excruciating _ . He hadn’t looked at you or called you princess all day, which should have clued you in that his decision was all on you. “You have to know how much I care about you as a friend. I’m doing this for us, so you can get over your feelings for me.”

Zorii’s eyes widened and she looked down at you. Your face was crumpling and your lip was quivering with the force of your oncoming tears. Zorii sucked in a breath and expelled pure rage because of what Poe had just revealed.

“I swear to the Maker, Dameron, that if you don’t leave her alone right now I will gut you like a ghest.” Zorii’s eyes were hard as beskar, with no trace of the softness she had once felt for the man.

You could tell that Poe was getting frustrated with Zorii’s interference. His face was starting to flush and his mouth was twisted into a flat line.

“Zorii, just give us a minute, would you?” he asked sternly, his hands on his hips and his face tilted towards the ground. He was trying not to show how angry she was making him.

You realized that this stalemate wasn’t going to end unless you said something to Poe. 

**It’s your move. Fight or flight.**

But if Poe was done fighting for your friendship and was instead running away to academy training, why should you do any different?

“Zorii,” you said, “give us a minute, please.” Your voice was weak, but you untangled yourself from under her arm and began walking towards your own quarters. Poe followed close behind you, hovering his hands as if he wanted to steady you but knew better than to touch you. 

If he touched you you were sure to shatter.

It was slow going down the hall, and neither of you broke the tenuous silence between you until you entered your room.

You sunk down onto your cot, clasping your hands together between your knees. The after effects of your panic attack had left you weak and shaky, wanting nothing more than to lie down and not get up for a while. 

But this conversation needed to happen, and you decided that it was best to just get it over with.

“If you’re lookin’ to make me feel better, I assure you that whatever you have to say is gonna do the opposite,” you stated. One of your legs was bouncing up and down in response to the intensity of your feelings, and there was nothing you could do to stop Poe from noticing.

“I think the main issue is that we haven’t been completely honest with each other,” Poe began, getting straight to the point.

You scoffed. “If anything, I think we’ve been  _ too _ honest with each other;  **I’d rather have lied than tell you I was in love with you** . I should have kept it to myself and let you live in ignorant bliss.” Your voice was soft and it cracked in a few places despite how adamant you were to not show any more weakness.

“I would have found out, eventually.” Poe leaned against your closed door, arms crossed and staring intently at you.

“Would you have? You didn’t notice in the last 15 years,” you pointed out solemnly. “Kes knew. Did he tell you? After the night you broke my heart and I was too ashamed to face him, did he ask you how it all went? And did he look disappointed when you told him the truth?” you pondered aloud, not really wanting to know the answer but feeling as if you needed to know how their conversation had gone that morning. If Poe was leaving soon, there was no harm in asking now.

Poe was silent for a moment. “He… he asked why I looked sad and I just told him it was because we had to leave early.”

“Ah,” you said, “so you were fine with lyin’ to him and pretendin’ that everything was alright, then?”

“I thought everything was alright!” Poe exclaimed, standing up away from his slouched position and uncrossing his arms. “You told me it was just a misunderstanding and that you’d get over it! I  _ never _ encouraged you; you just misread the signs and tried to force everything on me. That’s not fair, (Y/N). Not to me, and not to you.” 

Poe walked towards you with an exasperated expression on his face and his hands thrown up in the air, as if asking what he had done to deserve any of this.

You were quietly seething on your bed. You couldn’t help how you felt about Poe! People love who they love, and you just so happened to fall in love with the one person who would never love you back.

A rookie mistake you wouldn’t make again.

“Poe,” you breathed, “I told you already that I’m doin’ fine. I don’t know why you keep bringin’ it up.”

“Because you’re not getting over it, (Y/N)! Apparently everything I do is encouraging you, and I don’t know what else to do besides move on!” 

You whipped your head up to lock eyes with Poe, tried to determine if he really believed what he was saying. That he really wanted to ‘move on’ from you and everything you had built together.

His eyes were clear and bright. Determined. Relentlessly staring back at you.

**Now you wish that you didn’t know.**

You jerked your face to the side, unable to even look at him in your anger.

“ **_I wish that we had never spoke_ ** **.”** Your voice was deadly quiet.

“Speak up so we can talk about this,” he pleaded, “I can’t hear you when-”

“ **I’M TELLING YOU I WISHED WE HAD** **_NEVER_ ** **SPOKE** !” You yelled, rising to your feet and raging towards him. “I WISH THAT YOU NEVER SHOWED UP THAT DAY ON YAVIN AND I WISH WE HAD NEVER MET!” 

Your eyes were overflowing with angry and hurt tears -- tears that you could not control. You were so irate that they were falling against your will that you just became even angrier at yourself and at Poe for causing this reaction in you. 

“YOU ARE THE  _ WORST _ THING TO HAPPEN TO ME, POE DAMERON. YOU SPENT ALL THIS TIME MAKIN’ ME FEEL LIKE I WAS  _ WORTH  _ SOMETHING, ONLY TO RIP IT OUT FROM UNDER ME!”

Your palms were on his chest and you were pushing him towards the door, his face horrified at your screaming, sobbing visage. He was grasping at your wrists, trying to stop your relentless march that was going to throw him out of your life forever.

“I WANT YOU GONE! I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN!” You had reached the door. You slammed it open and shoved Poe out into the hallway.

When his warm chest was no longer under your fingers holding you up, all your strength left you.

“ _ I never wanna see you again _ ,” you sobbed brokenly.

“(Y/N)...” 

You slammed the door in his face and collapsed.


	5. Little League

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe isn't handling your fight well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little late, guys! I had to drive home for the holidays. 
> 
> Listen to the song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmZTq7frkDQ

Sweat was stinging your eyes and your hair was plastered to your forehead. Blaster fire was coming from behind you, getting dangerously close to hitting. The other Spice runners of Kijimi were firing their blastors from behind barricades, laying down cover fire so you could race ahead to the ship so you could lose these bastards that thought they could steal your shipment.

“Not the brightest stars in the galaxy, huh?” Poe huffed out as he joined you in your all-out sprint for safety. The smell of burning was filling your nose, making your eyes water and causing you to cough. It was dark enough on this stars-forsaken planet that you couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of you, making this run treacherous enough without the distraction of Poe Dameron and his blatant disregard for danger and your feelings.

You were silent.

It had been over a week since you had last spoken to Poe in your room, over a week since you had even  _ looked _ at him.

But that didn’t stop him from trying to smooth things over.

_ What a dick _ , you thought every time with a roll of your eyes. But stars, what you wouldn’t have done for him only a few short days ago…

“Maybe I can help pilot this time? You did tell me I was almost as good as you a few months ago,” he reminded. 

He had taken to reminding you of a lot of the good times the two of you had had together, recently. He was just waiting on you to speak to him again before he left for good, just so he could run away with a clean conscience.

_ Dick. _

“Kriff off, Dameron,” you spit out.

You were gritting your teeth so hard, you felt like they were going to fragment. Despite the imminent threat of death by Spice addicts, Poe should really be worried about the imminent threat of your boot up his ass.

You two were almost to the dock that housed the cruiser. You have always gotten everyone out of close scrapes and back to base safely a million times before. But  _ some _ people didn’t realize just how easily you could leave them behind, too.

Poe had an elated smile on his face. Even with your harsh tone and hateful words, it was still the first thing you had said to him. He would take whatever he could get at that point.

Your body was vibrating with adrenaline and rage: as it had been for the past week. You were close to burning out, but you just needed to outlast Poe’s desire to fix what he had broken.

You and Poe had been so close ever since that day he took you to see Kes Dameron after you were thrown to the ground. The warmth and love you felt between them was so far removed from anything you had ever felt that it had been stifling to sit in the same room with them: Poe on the stool next to yours holding your hand, and Kes behind you with a damp towel to wash off the blood.

You shook your head to clear the feeling and slammed into the side of the vessel, hauling yourself inside and wedging yourself into the pilot’s chair. Poe had stayed at the open door to fire his blaster and give everyone else the chance to make it to the ship. You booted everything up and slowly started turning the craft towards your new enemies. Your crew stayed clear of the wings and managed to jump from the ground and into the hovering vessel, some with Poe’s help.

Mille and Zalos stumbled into seats and strapped in: always the practical ones.. Arle was next, and required Poe’s help in managing the climb up. He had taken a blaster shot to the leg and was hobbling towards the bench in the back where the medpack was located. Zarii was last in, and threw a withering glare at Poe when he extended his hand out to her. 

He gave her a sad smile and closed the doors.

You were now flying towards the scum that tried to kill you all, and they had to duck and dodge out of the way of your wide ship in order to not be splattered across the transparisteel of the cockpit.

“Son of a bitch! That was a clever move, (Y/N),” Poe exclaimed as he thumped into the co-pilot’s chair, generally where he had usually been found before your fight. Zorii had taken up residence there to keep him away from you, and you couldn’t thank her enough. 

If you were trapped in a confined space with Poe, you would crack, so this was not a good situation to be in.

_ Stupid Poe and his stupid need to leave you behind. _

You began pulling back on the joystick, launching you all nearly vertical.

You shot off into the sky, leaving the planet’s atmosphere and probably a few burnt up bodies behind. You started plugging in coordinates for light speed when Poe took your hand and plugged in his own.

“What do you think you’re doing? Those aren’t the base co-ords.” Your scowl could melt kyber crystals, but Poe just looked at you with a sad expression. His brown eyes were soft and his shoulders relaxed.

_ So he’s made up his mind, then. Finally. _

“Can we talk?” Poe asked quietly. He sounded so much like the old Poe that you almost cracked. Almost.

“Doesn’t seem like there’s much to talk about. You’re leaving and I said kriff you and everything we’ve ever been through. Seems like it’s all out in the open,” you remarked, a lump lodged in your throat.

But it wasn’t all out in the open, not by a long shot. There were so many things you wanted to tell Poe, but were too angry to do so. Like the fact that you loved him. Still. Had been in love with him for years and couldn’t get over him even after trying  _ so _ hard. Even after everything he had done recently.

That you were still so  _ angry _ with him that you were hollow inside. Left with a ragged, Poe shaped hole in your chest that never seemed to heal no matter how many others you tried to fill it with. That he was breaking your heart with every word he said that wasn’t ‘I’m sorry for everything’. 

Because Poe had a lot to apologize to you for.

“(Y/N). Please,” he begged, turning to you full-on and grabbing for the side of your face. His thumb smoothing over your cheek like he actually cared about you and your feelings. 

_ Bantha shit _ .

You tried to jerk your head away, but he wouldn’t let you.

“You’re leavin’ and I'm not gonna to stop you. You’re goin’ off to be this big hot-shot pilot for the New Republic Defense Fleet and I refuse to absolve you of your guilt over what you’ve done to me.” The cockpit doors slid shut so you could finally have this conversation in private. “We had a good thing for a while there, Poe. We were friends that cared about each other and now that’s gone. And it’s not comin’ back.”

“Don’t say never, (Y/N).  _ Please  _ don’t say never.” It came out strained and unbearable.

“Maker, Poe! Can you get it through your head?  _ You’re _ the reason it’s all gone to shit. I had it all under control and then you decided to flip the fuck out over  _ nothing _ . If I had known how this was going to turn out, I  _ never _ would have agreed to leave Yavin IV with you.” You were still so angry, but your body craved Poe’s affection and gentleness with every fiber of your being.

The hand that was on your jaw was now wiping tears from your eyes, while the other pulled your hands from the joystick and held them tightly. The week without Poe was catching up to you and a sob was working its way up your throat against your will. If this conversation didn’t end soon, you’d be a sobbing mess.

“ **When we were younger we didn’t know how it would be** . But (Y/N), I can’t go if you’re still mad at me,” he whispered softly. “And,  **well, lately I’ve been feeling strange** around you **, and you’ve been telling me to act my age** for years now: this is how I’m going to do it. I’m going to join up and be a pilot – just like my mother. I’m going to give us some time apart so that we can come back stronger than ever,” he pronounced, coming to kneel in front of you. He pulled your face until you were looking right at him. You had nowhere to hide now.

“Since when do you listen to me?” You hiccupped, feeling your heart break with every beat. You were losing him and it was his fault, not yours.  _ Not yours _ . “I’m not going to change my mind just because you want me to. But  **I also never thought that everythin’ we had would fade away.** ” Your sobs wracked your frame, and it seemed like Poe couldn’t take it any longer. He pulled you down to the floor, cradling you in his arms.

This just made you sob harder. Your messy face buried in his neck, inhaling the smell of him for what you imagined was the last time.

“ **Why did we ever have to leave?** ” You sniffled into his shirt, trying your best to get a hold over yourself. You were still mad, and you needed him to know that nothing would ever be the same. That the future he was imagining wasn’t going to happen for you. “Why did we have to go back to Yavin and ruin everything?”

“ **If I could get a rewind—get another chance, take it back in time—** I wouldn’t have even asked you to run away with me all those years ago,” he confessed, smoothing your hair down right over the scar that had brought the two of you together. His voice was soft and so sad, like it was killing him to admit it. To admit that he made a mistake in keeping you by his side the whole time.

Your soul shriveled up inside you. Your gut clenched and your eyes  _ burned _ . Your mind was untethered and running through everything that you had done since becoming a spice runner that made Poe regret his decision to ask you along on his adventure. You know that you told him you wish you’d never met, but that was the heat of the moment. You didn’t mean it. Could  _ never  _ mean it.

But Poe meant what he just said.

You stifled your sobs with your knuckles and lurched out of his grasp.

Standing on shaky legs, you scraped your hands against your stupid tears and snotty nose. How  _ dare _ Poe Dameron do this to you? How dare he spend this last week trying to be your friend again when this is what he wanted to say?

“Well. You’ve made it clear once again how you feel. I’m granting your wish in getting rid of me and my burdensome feelings. This ship is takin’ you to the academy and gettin’ rid of me all in one go. Two womp rats, one stone, right?”

“(Y/N)­­-” He started up from the floor, reaching out a hand as if to grab you. He looked heartbroken, his eyes shiny and lip quivering.

_ Join the club. _

You flung yourself away from him, slamming against the door that was sealing you in with your murderer. Because Poe Dameron had killed you. So thoroughly had he stabbed you in the back, that you doubt you will ever recover.

“ _ Don’t touch me _ .” 

Is this how disgusted Leena felt when you had grabbed for her arm all those years ago? Is this how angry she was that you had even dared exist in her presence, let alone make an attempt to touch her with your dirty, soiled hands? You could see now why she had shoved you away and thrown you in the dirt; if there was an air lock in the cockpit, you would throw yourself out to get away from  _ him _ .

“No, no, no, no. That came out wrong, I—“

“Save it, Dameron.” You slammed your hand on the door panel, giving you a route of escape. “You got what you wanted; I spoke to you one last time. So now you can leave without any regret.”

With that, you made a furious exit, not looking back at the man who used to be your friend.


	6. Comfort Crowd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally find out what promise Y/N made and is failing to uphold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, some answers!  
> Zorii is such a good friend in this and I love her.
> 
> As always, give the song a listen! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBHHGXT9bRs

When you stormed out of the cockpit, Mille, Zalos, and Arle refused to look at you. You couldn’t blame them; you looked like hell. Zorii sat sharpening a blade and ticked her head towards the cockpit, asking silently if you wanted her to deal with Poe. You sniffed hard, scrubbed at your eyes, shook your head, and practically ran to your quarters. 

You pleaded with the universe to just make Poe  _ sit still _ and not follow you. You could not handle another moment with him, or else you would explode. Or more specifically, your heart would explode and you would die a slow, agonized death. All because of Poe  _ kriffing _ Dameron and his stupid,  _ stupid _ , friendship.

You made your way through the corridors, leaning heavily against the walls in order to not fall over in your pursuit of a private downward spiral.

Eventually you made it to your door and entered your code. The door slid open and you rushed inside, closing it behind you as fast as you could so you could be alone. But going where so many memories of Poe lived had been a mistake. Being alone with your thoughts and emotions was just too much.

It was all too much.

With a shattered scream, you broke down. Every last piece of your heart was wrecked and crushed and ripped apart until it was unrecognizable. And still, this burning, unending pain would not. Go. Away!

Outside, you heard a raised voice. Poe. Saying something about needing to talk, to explain, to apologize. But then muffled, indistinct words of warning from Zorii. You knew that Zorii would not let Poe anywhere near you after what had just happened and how upset she knew you were.

Zorii walked inside, her lithe frame seemed to be held together by rage alone. She hadn’t even bothered to knock or ask if you wanted someone around. But regardless, she was now your best friend, and you  **just needed company now.**

“I will refrain from speaking too much on it, but I do need to emphasize how much I despise that man for everything he’s done to you,” she explained, and settled on your cot.

You wheezed out a humourless laugh. You were numb, through and through, after the havoc that had occurred over your last two encounters with Poe. 

Zorii was still angry, but she opened her arms to you for comfort anyway. The look on her face and in her manners spoke of softness in spite of her fury, and it broke whatever respite your breakdown had afforded you. A cry exploded from between your lips, slamming into the walls of your quarters and deafening you. It was the sound of anguish and pain and betrayal that was ripped straight from your heart. 

You hadn’t felt so miserable and pitiful in all your life: those stupid kids from back home could  _ never _ have made you feel as bad as Poe has.

Zorii opened her arms wider and you ran to her. You clutched at her waist, burying your face in her stomach and just  _ sobbed _ . Sobbed for the best and only friend that you had had for  _ years _ before Zorii came along. Sobbed for the stupid, love-sick  _ fool _ that couldn’t take a fucking hint and get over her best friend that never saw anything in her anyway.

Sobbed for yourself. Your pitiful, sad excuse of a self.

“ **I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine,** ” you mutter over and over again in hopes of getting your pain under control. “ **I don’t really need him** . I don’t. I don’t…”

She sighed, rubbing soothing circles into your back. “ **You’ve said that lie already** . We both know what a load of bantha crap it is.”

You repeat yourself over and over again, trying to drive it through your own skull instead of hers.

“Look,” Zorii sighed once again, “I know you loved him. As more than a best friend.” You cringed against her, ashamed that Zorii had to find out how you felt about the man she had been sleeping with. “And trust me, I understand the appeal all too well. I wouldn’t have started anything up with him if I had known how you felt. And to give credits where credits are due, you hid it really well; I had no idea until last week.” 

You still couldn’t believe that Poe had said that to you in front of Zorii, remembering how terrible you had felt about it and how profusely you had apologized to Zorii once she had come to check on you that night.

“I overheard your holo-vid with Kes the other night as well,” Zorii admitted, wincing at her own invasion of your privacy. You were too overwhelmed to tell her you really didn’t mind.

“He mentioned some force tree or something? I don’t really know what you had said before that, but he mentioned that and you went quiet. I’ll admit that I was intrigued and maybe wandered closer to your door than I intended to.” 

Her voice went soft after that. 

“But then I heard you mention that he knew: what  _ who  _ knew, at that point, I wasn’t sure. But you went on to explain how you had felt so pretty dressed up in Shara Bey’s dress and how you had prepared a whole speech. At that point, I figured you were talking about Poe.”

You closed your eyes against her and tried hard to push the memory away.

***

It was a lovely day on Yavin IV, and the big, gnarly-rooted force tree near the Dameron’s household was a brilliant green in the midday glow. The wind was whispering through the jungle, and all the creatures that made it their home seemed to be singing along to some unspoken melody. Just for you. 

And for Poe, whenever he decided to show up.

You were all nerves. Sweat under your arms, a racing heart, and clammy hands: always the best look for confessing your love to someone.

You and Poe had returned home to Yavin last month after being away for a few years. Your group had had a close call on the last run, and you begged Poe to come with you to see Kes and your gran. 

Your gran couldn’t care less that you hadn’t been home, but Kes was ecstatic that you guys had come back to see him.

Poe had gone to the market to pick up some snacks for the picnic Kes told him you had planned. Poe just didn’t know that it was supposed to be a date for the two of you, and Kes wasn’t going to spoil the surprise.

You were busy getting ready when Kes presented you with the most beautiful dress you had ever seen from Shara Bey’s closet. He was adamant that you wore that particular dress, since it was the one he loved most on her. Your emotions were already bubbling over from anxiety, but the look on Kes’s face when he looked at the dress broke your heart. You could see that he was reliving a memory of him and Shara Bey, and you just couldn’t break the spell that it had over him, so you sat quietly. 

He eventually resurfaced and left you alone to finish your routine, all the while insisting that you’d be his official daughter sooner or later. Your smile was so big that it hurt your cheeks.

You arrived at the tree and started to set up the blanket and pillows that you had brought from the Dameron household. The blanket was spread out in the flattest nook between roots, and the pillows were propped up against the trunk. You took your place among the pillows and waited.

And waited.

Admittedly, Poe was prone to getting carried away with conversations between himself and the vendors, but that particular outing seemed to last forever in your mind. You knew why later, but at that point in time, you were convinced that Poe felt something for you and would return for you soon. 

You knew that he felt something for you; on all your spice runs, he begged you to stay inside the ship and be safe, he brought you back pretty trinkets that he said reminded him of you, and he was always flirting.

Always.

The nickname he gave you? Princess? Absolutely flirtatious. The hugs before and after he left the ship? Obviously an excuse to be close to you. The little winks he’d send over the fire at you and all the inside jokes you two had? Come on! It was all right there. And Kes agreed! So, you two devised this little set up so that you could  _ finally _ confess to Poe.

Even with only the progression of Yavin Prime to get a rough estimate of time’s passage, it still took Poe entirely too long to find you. When he finally showed up, you had fallen into a light sleep.

“Where’s dad?” Poe asked, setting down a basket with absolutely nothing in it. He plopped down right beside it, startling you awake.

“Where are our picnic supplies?” You countered, rubbing your eyes and feeling nauseous and disoriented after your impromptu nap.

He lifted his hands in the air as if to say “ _ what can you do _ ” and grunted. “Everyone had packed up by the time I got there. Why isn’t dad out here with us? Did he go back to the house to grab something?” His nonchalance and lack of apology really ate away at your resolve to profess your love to him. You wanted to know what took him so long before you said anything about your feelings.

“No, no he never came out here,” you explained. “Why did it take you so long to get to the market? You left hours ago -- the sun’s going down.” You were wringing your hands in your lap, nervous about what his answer could be.

“I just catching up with someone; nothing to worry your beautiful head about.” When he said that, he had smoothed over the top of your head like a cherished and beloved friend. “It’s a good thing for us, I promise,” he winked. You were eating it all up like you were starved for affection.

_ How tragic. _

You quickly grasped his hand before you lost all nerve. You kept it between your palms, drawing patterns on the back of it that kept your eyes down and away from his questioning gaze and adorable, slightly confused smile.

The future opened up bright and wonderful before you: your mutual affections coming out in the open and that long-awaited first kiss.  _ Stars _ , you had been fantasizing about Poe’s lips for more than half of your life at that point. And his hands. His hands! Maker, if they would just glide over your skin and caress you like you had pictured for years, you would die a happy woman. And you’d thread your hands through those beautiful curls at the nape of his neck and tug just a little bit, until he groaned like you had always heard in your dreams. You would move together, right on that blanket under the force tree you and Poe had always loved. You would come apart in the most delicious way, panting and crying, with his mother’s ring dangling from the chain around his neck and nestling itself into the hollow of your throat. And then he would grind into you one final time and just pour his affections into your neck and mouth for safe keeping.

How goddamn _ tragic _ it all turned out to be _. _

“I need to tell you something,” you whispered, looking up through your eyelashes at him. He grinned, seeming just as excited and nervous as you were.

“Me too. I’ve been dying to tell you something for days now!” He wiggled where he sat next to you, scooting as close as he could and touching your foreheads together, like you were about to share secrets that were only meant for the two of you.

“You first,” you said, breathless. You couldn’t believe it was finally happening.

“No, no. You had something to say first, so you go ahead.” Poe had still been grinning at you, the happiest you had seen him in a while.

“How about we say it together?” You countered, giving his hand a little squeeze in anticipation.

“Okay, on the count of three,” he began.

“One…” you said together.

“Two…” you continued.

“Three!” You shut your eyes.

“I love you,” -- “Zorii and I are together,” 

Silence. Your eyes were still shut, but now you were holding them so tightly that shapes were floating behind your eyelids. Poe pulled his hand from yours.

“What?” He asked, sounding confused and slightly wounded. Like he couldn’t believe that you had the nerve to say that out loud and ruin  _ everything _ .

“Don’t,” you began, turning your head down and willing your heart to stop its frantic pace in your chest. “I – I didn’t know… I thought…” you trailed off, unsure what to say to fix the mess that you had created.

“(Y/N), do—do you love me? As more than a friend?” He grabbed your chin and forced you to meet his baffled gaze. You couldn’t think straight at that point, so you said the first thing that had popped in your mind.

“Yes, of course I do.”

_ Stupid girl. _

“Oh, princess.” He released your chin and sat back, resting against the pillows like he was exhausted and didn’t have the energy to deal with the situation any longer. “I’m sorry if I ever did anything to lead you on; I just thought we were friends. I mean, we both see other people, and I’ve never felt that way about you so I didn’t think you did either.” 

He could not have said anything worse to you in that moment, could not have said anything that sucked all the warmth from your body any faster than that had.

_ Okay, (Y/N), just breathe. Think of a way out of this,  _ you begged your frazzled mind. Anything would be better than the silence stretching between you at that point.

“I guess… I got some things confused. I’m sorry.” And now you were that little girl again, apologizing for things out of your control and no fault of your own. 

You felt small again, insignificant and alone. A floating pile of junk in the vacuum of space, with no planet in sight and no answers to your distress calls.

Poe could see you spiraling, he had known you long enough to recognize the signs.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey. It’s okay, princess, we’ll figure this out,” he murmured, coming closer to you once again. He arranged the pillows so that he could lay back with you on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and muttered soothing words, trying to calm you down and bring you back to him. Like he had done so many times before.

“No, there’s nothin’ to figure out; this is on me. Just give me some time and I’ll get over it.” You hadn’t gotten over it in all the years you had loved him-- truly loved him-- but you had vowed to figure it out, and quickly, so that you could stop feeling like that. “I promise I’ll get over it,” you said into the fist that was curled next to your face on his chest.

You closed your eyes and tried not to focus too hard on how good he felt underneath you like that. How intimate it was, how much it reminded you of the outcome of every daydream you had had.

How you knew that it was probably how he and Zorii spent their nights together now...

***

“Kes didn’t know how that day turned out because Poe and I fell asleep outside. I was too embarrassed to face him that next mornin’, so I sent Poe back to tell him we got an urgent message and had to leave. I don’t know exactly what they said to each other, but Poe looked sad when he came back and I didn’t wanna know.” The confession slipped through your lips, chapped from all the salty tears that you had cried into Zorii’s tunic.

“Oh, (Y/N). I’m so, so sorry. He was on a call with me that evening. I had no idea you were waiting on him; he just mentioned you all were going on a picnic and that his dad could keep you company for a while.” Her hands clenched against your back, as if trying to protect from a hurt that had already passed and done its damage. 

“That boy wouldn’t know a Gungan from an Ewok if they were both standing in front of him. The only reason we ever got together was because I made the first move.” Her hands now continued their previous path of soothing circles, hoping to make up for the pain that she unintentionally caused not so long ago.

It amazed you how drastically things could change in such a short amount of time.

“It’s alright, Zorii, I’m not mad at you. I’m just angry at myself. Always at myself. For bein’ too slow, too emotional, too much and never enough at the same time.” You were defeated and exhausted, no longer able to keep even an ember of your earlier fire alive.

“I will not tolerate you speaking about my best friend that way; she is a wonderful person, and the best damn pilot we’ve ever had. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way,” Zorii chided, having pushed you away from her and giving you a stern look.

You returned something resembling a smile.

You looked back to her lap where you had just spent an indeterminate amount of time; the white fabric covering her stomach was completely transparent.

“Oh Rii, I’m sorry about your clothes,” you mumbled, trying to dry it with the sleeves of your outfit. It did no good.

“ **I don’t really mind; I like my shirts soggy** ,” she said, deadpan. 

This time, a real laugh bubbled up from your throat. You were immensely grateful you had a friend like her.

______

For months after Poe’s departure, you  **kept a smile on your shoulders until you were sweaty; begging on your knees for somebody to come and help you** when it was too much to carry. Zorii did her best, but no one could replace the comfort and happiness you had once found in Poe. You eventually stopped asking for help and pretended to have moved on.

But time passes, and past hurts are less painful. Especially when you don’t think about them.

You had seen the missed messages from Poe in those early days. Every time your comm buzzed, the despair you felt over your situation returned tenfold, and the only option was to throw the device in a forgotten corner and let it die -- just like your feelings.


	7. (Online Love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one!
> 
> Listen to the song! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=er7ZrLsp5g0

“ _ Hi, (Y/N). It’s been a few days. Um, I was hoping you would answer. Can we talk? Just… give me a call when you get this.” [End message] _

_ “(Y/N)? I guess you’re still not speaking to me. But I got into the academy! I’m on my way to being a pilot just like mom. Give me a call.” [End message] _

_ “Heeeyyyy prinncesssss. Wus jus’ celebratin’ our first su-(hiccup)-cessful flight exam! (Low hum, as if a mouth were pressed to the device). Jus’ wanted to let you knooow. I misssss you. (Indistinct chatter from the line). (Chatter ends abruptly).” [End message] _

_ “Maybe you got a new device? I wouldn’t blame you if you did. But I’m still going to call in case you ever answer one day.” [End message] _

_ “(Silence, except for light snoring in the background). (Whispered) Hey princess. I met someone that I think you’d like; you guys are so similar it’s scary sometimes. They make me think of you. (Silence). It’s late. I’ll let you sleep. Goodnight.” [End message] _

_ “Well. Maybe you guys were too similar; they left my sorry ass, too. Not that I blame them - or you. I know I messed up. If you’d pick up, maybe I could find the words to explain what I actually meant that last time and how I feel. I’m sorry. Call me.” [End message] _

_ “I know it’s been a few years since we last spoke, but I realized a long time ago what I’ve lost. And… I guess I’m just now brave enough to leave this message. (Nervous laughter). You were always lightyears ahead of me in everything, princess: flight skills, intelligence, feelings… I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I ruined it all. No one I’ve found has even come close to making me feel the way you still do. I’m the biggest jackass in the galaxy for realizing this too late. (A pause). (A deep breath). I know this is cosmic payback, but now that you don’t feel the same way about me, all I can do is love you all the more. I guess I was too scared to examine the way that I felt about you for years. As long as you were by my side, I could pretend that the people I was with were enough for me and I didn’t need anything but you and them. But now that I’ve lost you… you were the only one I needed, then and now. I can’t believe I fucked this up enough to lose you forever. I know by now that you aren’t listening to these -- maybe you never were -- but I just wanted to say that  _ **_I can’t help but imagine what maybe could’ve happened_ ** _ if I had said I loved you too at the force tree. If I had realized sooner what I had in front of me my whole life and didn’t take you for granted. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But (Y/N)? I love you. Really and truly. And that’s never going to change. Maybe one day you’ll forgive me enough to say this in person. But until then, I’ll be--” [Voice message surpassed allotted time limit] [End message] _

_ “Graduation is just around the corner, and I can’t help but feel like I’m still not ready. Oh sure, I’m top of the class, but it hasn’t been the same flying without you around. I have a droid now, and he’s pretty good company, but it’s still not the same. I’d really love it if you came to the ceremony: I’ll send you the details? Dad will be here, and I know he’d love to see you. I’d love to see you, even if you’re still not speaking to me. I love you.” [End message] _

_ “Guess who’s a commander! That’s right, your scruffy nerfherder. I’m kinda living up to that nickname you gave me now (Sounds of a hands running through coarse hair); I haven’t had time to shave since this new placement. (Laughs) You should see me! (Silence). (Whispered) I wish you’d see me…” [End message] _

_ “I can’t just sit idly by anymore; the Republic is just letting these First Order scum terrorize the system. You know how bad we thought it was? Yeah, they just keep getting worse. I can’t sit here and watch trade routes while people are dying. Please let me know how you are; I need to know you’re safe. Just one word; that’s all I’m asking for, princess. Just a sign telling me that you’re okay. I love you too much for either one of us to die before I get the chance to fix this. Please. Call me.” [End message] _

_ “Princess! What are the odds we’d end up working for the Resistance together? Pretty high, I guess, since we always saw eye-to-eye on the First Order and the Republic. Don’t be mad at her for telling me, but Leia said you joined a while before I did. She said something about waiting for the right time, but- Listen (Y/N), I know you’re still mad, but maybe-” _

“Poe?”


	8. Affluenza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your life after Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter alludes to domestic violence, but nothing graphic or specific, and violence/death.
> 
> Listen to the song! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6zoRUdZKU4

“ **And they say money can’t buy you no love! But a diamond cheers you** ** _right_** **up** , darling,” Teck Terran beamed. Your smile was so brittle that a gentle breeze could shatter it right off your lips, but Teck didn’t need to know that and it would be disastrous if he ever found out.

Teck Terran was your significant other, and,  _ coincidentally _ , a huge Spice dealer with lots of money and connections. General Organa had mentioned back in those early days how much of a boon it would be to learn about all of his First Order clients and where they took shipments. You had been eager to prove yourself to her and your previous employment lent itself greatly to your cause. After securing the job, you spent over two years learning the ins and outs of espionage and how to protect yourself.

As an intelligence officer for the Resistance you found yourself in many precarious situations – toeing the line between truth and lies, safety and danger. Whatever it takes to get what you need and get  _ out _ . Which was something General Organa praised you on; she said your unassuming appearance and sharp wit would be invaluable to her, and her kindness to you sealed your fate.

Teck believed that you were still with the Spice runners and that was why you left on ‘runs’ every now and again. But, really, there were only so many in the Resistance and so much information to collect across the galaxy that staying with him for too long was impossible.

You never complained about the time away.

You had not planned on leaving the Spice trade, never planned on leaving your friends. But when one bad run turned into two, and your crew of five dropped to three, you knew you had to get out lest you lost your life fighting for a cause you didn’t believe in. Zorii and Zalos were still in constant contact, and their continued activity made your undercover work with Teck  _ so  _ much easier.

If Teck needed a hit for himself or top-tier Spice for a potential new client, Zorii was only just a breath away and always happy to help – for a steep price. 

Your best friend  _ loathed _ every fiber of Teck’s being; often citing how much of a narcissist he was and how manipulative and violent. All things you were well aware and loathsome of, as well. But no one could know what you were really doing with Teck besides the General. 

For the Resistance’s safety and your own.

“Well of  _ course _ , baby. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, or… is the more appropriate sayin’ ‘happy wife, happy life’ now?” This last part was purred into his ear, your lips running over the shell and causing gooseflesh to rise on his blue skin. Your left hand, with a shiny new ring on one finger, smoothed up and down his leg under the table, exciting him. 

Every time you had touched him in the past year had curdled your stomach, leaving a sour taste in your mouth and the inability to look at yourself in the mirror.

_ But this is what you're good at. Lying, faking, pretending to be something you’re not. _

Teck had just proposed to you in the most populated gambling room on Canto Bight, showing you off in all the finery he had bought for you, hoping to make the other Spice dealers jealous that he had snagged the best Spice runner in the whole galaxy.

He beamed at you, completely unaware of your deception.

He grabbed for the hand on his thigh, pressing your ring to his mouth for a kiss; his narrow lips not even large enough to cover the gaudy gemstone. You smiled beatifically at him, all the while counting down the seconds until his demise. The Lullaby hidden between your teeth was your ticket back to the Resistance base and the warm smile of General Organa.

You would not mess this up so close to the end.

Teck placed your hand much higher on his leg than where you had left it, and turned his focus back to the giant wheel in the middle of the table. “All in on red for my beautiful fiancé and her new dress I bought her for tonight,” Teck gambled, pushing his entire night’s worth of credits at the dealer. The amount of money Teck gambled away in one night could feel the whole of the Resistance for weeks. 

You hated him.

But the smile on your face stayed right where it had been for the entire relationship, and your hand continued the path it had been placed on. You’re immensely pleased that you had the forethought of buying a concoction that would forever render you unable to have children when you were younger, because the thought of carrying Teck’s spawn made you nauseous. No one deserved to be forever linked to this man.

Not even a monster like you.

The things you had seen and participated in while on Teck’s arm left you forever corrupted and vile. No amount of good that you could do will ever scrubb the blood from your hands, but you would do whatever it takes to win this war against the First Order.

You laid your head on Teck’s shoulder, letting your faux-haughty gaze rest on the species around the table. They all wanted you dead for taking Teck away from them, thinking they were more deserving of his wealth. They could have him for all you cared. You were just so tired of the constant lies,  **crystal liquor cups, and designer drugs** that poisoned your tongue and mind, dulling your senses but keeping your cover intact.

But tonight would be the end of it all; the culmination of  _ years _ of hard work would finally be paying off. Teck had a meeting with none other than General Hux, underling to Supreme Leader Snoke. Once their meeting began and you were left behind to gamble and drink, you could begin the final steps to completing the mission.

You spotted a shock of orange hair and pale skin amongst the crowd, surrounded by solid black helmets. Your hand squeezed Teck’s thigh and you nuzzled into his neck.

“He’s here, baby.” Your head tilted in the direction Hux was located, offering Teck guidance he needed in finding the man: Teck had indulged too heavily in drink and drugs tonight, causing his focus to not be what he needed. 

“Go get us a star destroyer…” you murmured against his lips, itching to bite down on the Lullaby and spit it down his throat.

_ Not yet, (Y/N) _ .

Teck took a deep breath, trying in vain to clear the fog that must be clouding his mind. Normally, he would not have been so disoriented from the comparatively minimal amount of substances he’d imbibed tonight, but you just never know  _ what _ could slip into a glass between the bar and Teck’s hand.

Teck rose on unsteady legs, composing himself by placing his hand on your shoulder and squeezing  _ hard _ while begging everyone’s pardon.

“Keep my seat warm for me, sweetness, I’ve just got to go say hello to an old friend.” He announced this loud enough for those closest to hear, piquing their interest and ensuring that you would get asked questions about who he would be meeting with.

“Before you go,” you commented, rising to stand beside him, “here’s your good luck charm.” You pinned his tie in place with a clip you had modified with a voice recorder. You hadn’t planned on Teck making it out of this alive, so you would still end up with the information you needed this way.

It felt like sending an animal to slaughter, straightening his deep blue lapels to perfection and placing a kiss on each of his cheeks. Part of you felt bad for using him in this way for so long, but then you thought of everything he had done and said to you and promptly brushed your pity aside.

“What a gal,” he murmured, looking straight in your eyes as you worked on dusting invisible particles from his shoulders. His thumb and forefinger grasped your chin, bringing your head up. “I expect you on the cruiser by the time I’m finished; trussed up and ready to go. You know how I like you,” Teck instructed, his grip on you turning painful.

You smiled demurely and looked down, removing your chin from his hand and stepping away. “I’ll have the instruments ready,” you assured.

_ And a mouth full of poison _ , you finished to yourself. 

He nodded his head and turned away, stalking towards his private rooms in the back as best he could. One of Hux’s bucket-heads was walking towards you at a clipped pace. Without looking at anyone that was begging for your attention at the table, you turned away from the storm trooper and began your hunt.

­­­­­________

Your earpiece filtered in Teck and Hux’s conversation; incredibly boring niceties being exchanged by men who thought too highly of themselves. You mostly ignored everything being said at this point, too keen on locating Hux’s ship and snapping on the tracking device.

It was night on Canto Bight, making your job easier. No one pays attention to a seemingly intoxicated woman stumbling through parked ships whispering a lover’s name as if searching for them.

As you tripped closer to the only ship guarded by black storm troopers, you made yourself even more unsteady, eyes wide and unfocused, hiccupping laughs escaping your throat. You danced your way clumsily over to the conspicuously nice ship, singing a bawdy tune that made you blush profusely.

“Get a load of this,” came the metallic voice of one of the troopers stationed at the open bay door to Hux’s ship. The engines were still running, so it looked like Snoke’s minion planned on a quick escape, which made you hopeful that you had seen the last of Teck Terran. 

Your heart felt lighter at the idea than it had in years.

“Come on lady, you’re not supposed to be out here… wait. You’re Terran’s arm piece. General Hux wanted you inside the meeting room,” the other storm trooper said to you.

So, Hux had wanted you both dead after the deal was struck tonight. Interesting. You assumed he didn’t want anyone to know with whom he had been meeting. If these troopers knew your face and who you were, then so did every metal head in Hux’s employ.

“Oooh,” you cooed, “I’ll be happy to add the beautiful”  _ gag _ “General to our bedroom retinue.” You were making your way closer to the armored men, almost within striking distance. “Have any tips on what the General likes for pleasure?”

You were standing between the storm troopers now, with direct line of sight into Hux’s cruiser. There was only one pilot in the cockpit, so three adversaries in total. Easy.

“You don’t have any clue as to what is going on here. Get back to your master, or else – Gah!” Twin daggers slid out of the hidden sheaths under your long, billowing sleeves, sinking into the gaps between both storm trooper’s helmets and chest plates. They clattered to the ground, arms and legs at awkward angles.

“I don’t like being told what to do by assholes in cast-plast suits,” you spit at the corpses.

The remaining trooper was none the wiser that their comrades were dead. The pilot died a silent death with a garrote around their throat -- less to clean up, and it didn’t leave a trail behind when the body was dragged away.

You took your time perusing Hux’s ship, looking for the best place to insert the beacon. It couldn’t be discovered for a long time, or else the Resistance would lose track of Hux during his clandestine meetings like this one.

There was a commotion over the comm link, shouting and expletives being thrown around like projectiles. The sound of blaster fire; a gasp and a thump very close to the recorder. Teck had been shot.

_ No laser blades for me tonight, Teck _ . You grinned to yourself, rubbing along your forearms where your long sleeves covered the scars inflicted on you by that brute of a male.

You pulled back a panel in a cluttered corner of the ship and wired the device into the circuitry. Unless they regularly inspected every wire, they would never find your handiwork.

Hux is currently doing that  _ stupid _ evil villain monologue over Teck’s corpse, talking about how these outposts need Spice to keep the citizens in line and scouts need it to drug their informants into compliance. Explaining the exact bases and plans that you had been waiting for.

Perfectly stupid man. You remove your earpiece when you hear Hux leave the room, no longer having a use for it on this mission.

You dragged the three storm troopers underneath the ship where they would not be found until its departure. You took the opportunity to pilfer their suits, hauling them into Teck’s – now your – ship that you had moved beside the First Order cruiser. You never know when the Resistance will need to sneak into a First Order occupied area.

You’re in the pilot’s seat, removing all the obnoxious jewelry layered on you and removing the too-tight hair piece that had been on your head for far too long. You were in the middle of unzipping your dress when you heard grunts coming from the back of the ship. You grabbed the blaster mounted under the command console and made your way towards the sounds of pain.

You should have known Teck would have found a way to ruin your night. There he was, bleeding out just inside the door. You rolled your eyes and made your way over to him, replacing your blaster in a holster on the wall.

“Get me the medkit, woman! I’m-” he gasped in pain and screwed his face up tight. “I’m ruining this suit. Do you know how much it cost?” He was leaning heavily against the wall right next to the exit, oblivious to your changed appearance and the sets of stormtrooper armor on the ground.

“Oh, shut  _ up _ Teck. Maker, you can cut me to pieces and enjoy it, but you can’t handle a little pain yourself? How pathetic,” you sneered at him, coming up to him and hauling him flat against the wall. “I’m so kriffing glad to be rid of you.”

Teck’s face just then was worth the year you had spent with him. You bit down on the Lullaby between your front teeth, and spit every last drop into his open mouth. He spluttered and gasped, choking on his own fear. He was looking at you with astonished eyes and all the rage he could muster in his last few moments.

“You harpy! I’ll—“

“You’ll what? Get me? Good luck with that,” you smiled sinisterly at him and pulled him to the open door. He was a dead weight in your arms, the Lullaby already working to kill him. You shoved him unceremoniously onto the landing pad and closed the doors. You made you way back to the cockpit and put a call through to an encrypted channel.

“Black Heart to Base, Black Heart to Base, do you read me? Over,” you radioed, loving the feel of a nice ship under your control once again.

“This is Base to Black Heart. Coming in loud and clear. What’s your status? Over.” The reply came promptly, making you happy to hear a friendly voice after so long of radio silence.

“Mission was a success. Returning to Base. Over,” you sighed out, content to let the ship hover for a second just outside of Canto Bight’s atmosphere and prepare for a jump.

“This is the General to (Y/N). Over.” You heard Leia’s voice come through, forgoing call signs and saying your real name; one that you hadn’t heard since Teck entered your life. It felt so good to be yourself again that you didn’t notice a ship approaching you from behind.

“Hey General, it’s good to hear from you at last,” you smiled, tucking your feet into the chair underneath you, getting comfortable for the trip ahead.

“Hello, my sweet girl. I have a surprise for you when you get back home,” she said, a hint of mischief in her tone. That was never a good sign.

“Oh, no. What did you do that I’m not going to like?” Leia’s surprises had always been last-minute mission changes or new training exercises when you were still on base. Mostly they were invaluable lessons in adaptability, but sometimes they left you desperate for the one person who had been the anchor you were missing in recent years.

“It’s a good thing for us, I promise,” Leia soothed. But you were feeling anything but calm at the memories her phrasing brought forth.

_ “It’s a good thing for us, I promise.” Poe’s hand on your hair, and your heart in your throat expecting an expression of love that never came. The force tree’s leaves swaying above your heads. _

Suddenly, there was a violent jerking and you were rocked back into the present, the ship’s siren blaring and systems shutting down.

“What the kriff?!” you exclaimed, scrambling from your seat and forgetting that your radio was still broadcasting to the General. Your hands were frantically moving over switches and levers, trying to get the ship under control.

“(Y/N)! What’s going on?” Leia was demanding over the line.

“I don’t know, I – “ and then you saw it. Hux’s ship right behind you, aiming for you once again.

“I’m sorry, General, Hux must have followed me up here. I have to go,” you gasped into the comm, severing the connection before Hux’s ship could trace the signal back to the Resistance base.

A message was coming through from the enemy ship, probably Hux wanting retribution for the storm troopers you had killed or to gloat for his perceived victory over Teck’s empire. 

“Save it, Imp, I’m not interested in another of your villainous monologues. I’ve heard enough for tonight,” you bit off before his message could come through. 

You were still trying desperately to restart the light speed jump to get you away from here, but nothing was working. He must have known exactly where on the hull to target to inflict the most damage to the systems.

“Oh, honey, you can’t get rid of me that easily,” came the voice over the radio.

But it wasn’t Hux.

_ How?! He should be dead! _

“You’re coming back home with me,  _ (Y/N). _ ” The fact that Teck knew your  _ real _ name sent ice down your spine. Teck’s laughter exploded through the cockpit, distracting you from your escape plan. 

Another blast rocked the ship, and your head slammed into something hard.


	9. Maniac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teck's revenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty heavy chapter, y'all. Vague descriptions of torture and abuse. Thoughts of suicide. Angst.
> 
> Listen to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-E-_IRJU5w0

_ “...Don’t be mad at her for telling me, but Leia said you joined a while before I did. She said something about waiting for the right time, but- Listen (Y/N), I know you’re still mad, but maybe-” _

“Poe?”

A heavy silence filled the line.

“Zorii? Why are you answering (Y/N)’s comm?” Poe had to rein in his pounding heart. Years of built up expectations waiting on an answer to his calls came crashing down. Poe had been so full of hope when he heard the voice on the other end of the line. But once his brain recognized Zorii’s upset tone and not your typical sweet greeting, his elation quickly turned to ash. He could taste it on his tongue: bitter and harsh, like medbay caf after a night of apprehension and uncertainty.

“It’s – I found it buried under a pile of junk in her old quarters. I was hoping it was her…” Zorii sounded crushed and so disappointed that it had been Poe on the other end of the line and not you.

“What do you mean you wanted it to be her? Why would she call herself?” Poe couldn’t quite figure out what was going on in Zorii’s head. To be honest, he never knew even when they were together; Zorii was many things, but transparent was not one of them. “Look, Zorii – I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I really need to talk to (Y/N). It’s important,” Poe implored. 

He had waited so long to hear your voice, and now he couldn’t wait to clear everything up and apologize in person. It might have taken a day to gather his courage after learning the news of your involvement in the Resistance, but he was ready to face you. If Zorii hadn’t picked up the device, Poe would have broken into the crew records -- after leaving yet another message -- and found wherever you were stationed.

“Of course you don’t know,” Zorii chuckled humorlessly, “how would you?” She sounded wholly unwilling to have this conversation with Poe, even after all these years.

“Know what? That (Y/N) joined the Resistance before I did? General Organa told me just the other day.” You joining the Resistance was a bit of a shock to Poe, since you seemed rather attached to Zorii and Spice running at the time, but he always knew the two of you would go on to protect the galaxy like his parents used to.

Leia had let slip that she might know someone Poe wanted to see, and the only person that could have been was you. He had towered over her, grasping her small hands in his own and begging her to say it was you. She had only smiled knowingly and walked away. He hadn’t seen the General since then, but assumed she had just been busy with base operations.

“Poe… (Y/N)’s been taken.” Zorii’s disappointment had turned to anger at this point, and Poe could feel it vibrating through the connection. Poe’s heart plummeted out of his chest and into his stomach. His fear for your safety coincided with anger that caused his teeth to gnash together, and his fists to clench at his sides. “General Organa asked me to keep an eye out for her whereabouts.”

“ _ Who _ ?” Poe seethed. He straightened his shoulders and started marching around his quarters, packing anything he might need on his quest to find you. BB-8 chirped from his charging port and started racing towards the X-wing for pre-flight checks.

“I wasn’t told. She was on a mission to-“ but Poe cut her off.

“A mission?! You let her go out without you? What the hell were you thinking? She’s a  _ pilot _ for kriff’s sake.” Admittedly, Poe was in the dark about your new life without him, but he didn’t think that you would give up piloting for anything.

“Maker, Dameron, just shut  _ up _ . You haven’t been around these last few years, so you don’t know  _ what _ (Y/N) is capable of now. And leave off it; I’m not a Resistance member, so I had no choice in the matter. I would follow that girl to the ends of the universe, but she forbade me from interfering in her undercover work unless she needed my help.” 

Zorii had pushed up from the table she had been seated at, staring at your newly charged comm device that had been flooded with missed calls and unheard messages. All from Poe. She was getting more restless by the second not knowing where you were.

Poe grew rigid after processing what Zorii had just said. 

“Undercover work? You’re telling me (Y/N) is intelligence?!  _ Kriff _ ! She just had to go and take the most dangerous job there was. Why didn’t she stay with you, Zorii? What happened?” Poe was desperate to understand at this point. His bag was packed, and his anger and fear forced him towards the General for a status update.

“She was  _ devastated _ after you left, Poe. I don’t think she could stand having so many reminders of you thrown at her constantly. Add in the fact that Melle and Arle were killed on some bad runs… she got out and joined the cause.” 

Poe hadn’t heard about Melle and Arle, so the news was a punch to the gut. He sucked in a breath, preparing himself for the rest of the story. His bag was gripped tight in his hand and he was jogging towards the command center, hurrying to hear how he could get to you.

“About a year after you left, we ran into some Resistance members on some back-water moon and they must have said something that resonated with her, because the next thing I knew she left us. Left  _ me _ . General Organa took her under her wing and taught her everything, apparently. I think (Y/N) just saw her as the mother-figure she never had and latched on.” Zorii was still aggravated that you had left, but she was beyond devastated that she wasn’t there to protect you when you needed her.

It was also no wonder Leia had figured out who it was that Poe wanted to see again so badly; she had gotten it directly from you. That spark of hope flared brightly in his chest until he remembered that you were gone and it was all General Organa’s fault. He raced faster down the halls towards the bridge.

“I’m going to find her, Zorii. I’m going to get her back,” Poe promised, resolute in his decision.

He was  _ this _ close to being in your presence again, and he wasn’t going to let some  **maniac** keep you apart any longer. He disconnected the link to your comm and entered the bridge, anger and distress pouring from his every pore.

The General was leaning intently over a holo table that was projecting different quadrants on a map. There were flashing red dots all over the projection, but one of them shone brighter than the others as it sat stationary on some random moon.

“General!” Poe yelled, stomping over to her. Her head snapped up, eyes lighting up and then dimming abruptly when she saw Poe’s expression. Her face turned into one of heartbreak, and Poe couldn’t stand to see it; it was  _ her _ fault you had been taken, so she didn’t get to be sad.

“Tell me where she is. Now.”

_____

“You’re  **psychopathic** !” You raged, writhing against the bindings holding you down. “Why couldn’t you just stay dead,  **you maniac** !”

You were frantic, mind whirling and heart pounding. You had gone through training that prepared you for torture if you were ever caught, but you still weren’t convinced you could last long enough to survive. Leia should have had someone else take your place, but she was adamant that you were the only one that could successfully manipulate Teck.

You couldn’t help but think she had made a huge mistake.

“ **Oh, don’t be so dramatic** ,” Teck scowled. The cuts he scoured into your arms over the years were like paper cuts compared to how he was mutilating you now. Some type of drill had been boring into the tender parts of your flesh for hours now. You were blood soaked and terrified, begging the Maker to end your suffering. You were shivering on the metal table from blood loss, and your adrenaline was speeding up the process. 

If only you still had that Lullaby you  _ wasted _ on Teck. You could have long since ended your suffering and denied Teck the satisfaction of hearing you scream.

The blaster wound that Teck had acquired must have thrown his body into shock and kicked it into overdrive, allowing the Lullaby to work itself out of his system. His years of drug abuse also likely limited the Lullaby’s effects on him, but you had never seen him overindulge to the point of building up a tolerance. Or so you thought. Teck had fooled you all into thinking he was just a stupid, impulsive man that only indulged his vices when with clients. His hidden lifetime of using meant you were doomed from the start.

“ **Do you think I’m a joke** ? You don’t get to be as big a deal as I am in the Spice world without being indomitable. But you, darling…” he trailed off, eyes blazing. You were panting hard, preparing yourself for the next round of pain that was promised in his dead eyes. “I knew what you were: some orphan from a little moon with nothing to lose. Oh, don’t give me that look,” he remarked at your shocked expression, “I could smell the deceit from a parsec away. I had some of my people look into your past and follow you on your Spice runs. Why your Kijimi group sent in an amateur to seduce me, I can’t begin to guess; you all must truly be desperate for the kind of power I have.”

You weren’t shocked that he knew about your upbringing, you were shocked that his spies missed  _ so  _ much. He didn’t know you were with the Resistance: he just thought you, Zorii, and Zalos wanted his position and clients. Everything you had done wasn’t all for nothing. The vile things you had done for him, and he to you, were not completely pointless. You had suffered for a reason. Were made a fool of and degraded for his own amusement because he knew you were lying to him. You refused to be sick thinking of all the excruciating nights you had spent curled around yourself, trying to make the pain bearable by thinking of everything the Resistance could gain from your sacrifice.

“You may be right, actually:  **I’m such a stalker, a watcher, a psychopath** . I knew everything you did, everywhere you went, and everyone you met when you were with me. And right now, my best assassins are preparing themselves to slaughter every one of your dear friends – which isn’t that many, is it dear? Just the two Spice runners you were so courteous as to introduce me to. Would you like to watch? I can bring them right here for you  **while you beg me to stay** my hand. But I won’t. I’ll  **wipe the tears off your face** just so you can watch every moment with clear eyes.” 

With those words, he caressed your cheeks with both hands, smooth thumbs wiping away the sweat and tears that had collected since you awoke on the table. “Although, I am tempted to find that little boy you grew up with; I’m sure you still have feelings for him somewhere in that heart of yours.” He moved his thumbs from caressing your cheeks to pulling on your lower lip. “You did take a break from your pals for a while. I wonder if you were with him all that time?”

Teck had no idea the pain he was causing you by bringing up Poe. You hadn’t seen or spoken to him in years, and just the idea that you  _ could _ have answered his messages if only you hadn’t been so scared nearly broke you.

You loathed yourself for ignoring Poe after he left. You wished you had gone to him and forgiven him for leaving you behind. You were so selfish in your heartache, refusing to answer his calls. It was too late to tell him you were  _ so _ sorry for ignoring him, for not giving him the closure he needed after deciding your friendship was something he no longer desired. He had every right to grow out of your relationship and move on with his life without you there to hold him back.

That’s really how you got involved with this situation in the first place. You wanted to prove to yourself and to Poe that you weren’t that pathetic little girl that needed him around all the time, that you could hold your own in a fight and that you could take care of yourself. 

That you could handle having him in your life without your feelings getting in the way again.

But you failed.

_ I’m sorry, Poe. I’m sorry I made it so hard to be my friend. That I fell in love with you and ruined it all by telling you. I’m sorry it was easier for me to cut you out completely than it was to pick up the comm and hear your voice. _

You knew Zorii would fight with everything she had right to the end, and it would kill you inside to watch her die after everything you had been through together. And even greater than your sadness, the loss of Zalos would be a terrible thing for all the refugees and prisoners he helped to smuggle away during Spice runs. 

Your only two friends, and they were going to die just for having the title.

You could only be grateful that Poe had gotten out while he had the chance. Kes would be devastated if he outlived both his wife and child – that outcome would be totally unfair for the man that treated you with such kindness all your life.

“You’ve gone quiet, pet. Tell me, which of your friends would you like to see the most? That Zorii is a fine specimen, so I may have to have my own brand of fun with her when she arrives.” 

Teck’s voice was slimy, dripping with malice. You had only seen this side of him when he had particularly bad days that left you lying in pools of your own blood after hours under his hands.

“ _ Don’t touch her, _ ” you growled, teeth clenched. Your rage at your own incompetence to kill him and Teck’s wickedness causing you to see red. Your eyes grew fuzzy and you were lightheaded with the impending adrenaline crash. You had gone too long without the pain of the drill to keep you awake, and now you were trying desperately not to go under. You had to find a way to save your friends.

“Or what? What will you do to me while chained down and bleeding out?” Teck was so sure of his victory that he had leaned his hip against your table, his hands flat on either side of your head, caging you underneath him. This exact positioning was not unfamiliar – having him on top of you, grinning with anticipation and a glint of malice in his eyes. 

It was almost a comfort, even with Teck’s disgusting face leering down at you, that your mind was dazed enough to imagine that you were in an alternate universe. One in which it was Poe looking down at you as he had in so many of your fantasies.

“Or else – or else you’ll never know who I truly want dead.” This was a terrible plan, whatever your foggy mind was trying to figure out on the fly was never going to work. There was no conscious thought going into whatever was coming out of your mouth, but your hand closest to Teck was straining against the bindings holding it down.

Teck’s eyes widened slightly, surprised that you were offering up this information. “Now why would you say such a thing? Is losing two people not enough for you? Maybe you and I really do belong together. Would you really do anything to save yourself? Is that what you’re doing? Trading this mystery person’s life for yours? How wonderfully wicked of you. I should have figured after seeing how much you enjoyed watching me ‘work’.”

You had  _ never _ enjoyed watching Teck ‘work’. He would bring different species back to your shared rooms, trussing them up and mutilating them until they were unrecognizable. You had pretended to enjoy watching from the shadows of the room, just so you wouldn’t have to smell their blood and see how deeply Teck was cutting into their flesh. 

You had always found their identification after it was over, asking Zorii to deposit your saved credits as compensation to their families. You knew it wasn’t nearly enough, but it was all you could provide.

“I’m telling you because…” you were trying to stall. Teck always had his comm link in his blazer pocket, and where he was leaning over you, the device should be within reach. “Because if anyone can find him, it’s you. He left me behind and I want him to pay. I want him dead before you even think about touching her.”

“What a good girl,” Tech caressed the side of your head with one hand. “Those friends of yours really had no idea what kind of monster you really are. Or maybe they did, and that’s why they sent you to me without any backup. So tell me who this male is that broke your heart. Is it that little boy from Yavin IV?” Teck leaned in closer to your face, nuzzling his nose in your hair.

“Without the assurance that I’ll be walkin’ out of here alive? I don’t think so,” you whispered in his ear, trying to hide your elation at having slipped his comm out of his pocket. You were pressing buttons as quickly and as accurately as you could, trying to remember the exact codes you needed.

“Hmm,” Teck hummed in your ear. “I don’t know about that; I mean, you have been playing me this whole time, so how do I know you’re not up to something right now?” he asked, rising from the table and staring you in the eyes. Whatever was going through his mind, it wasn’t good for you. “Although, I  _ have _ been playing you as well,” he conceded, placing a finger on his chin as if in thought.

“You know me better than anybody else, Teck. You know my darkest desires, what I  _ really  _ like,” You had slid the device under yourself as soon as Teck started to pull away from you. You had set the necessary events in motion, but had been unable to send a distress signal. In less than ten minutes, everyone in this building would be dead. Including yourself. And there was no one that would ever know that this was how you died. Alone with the man that you failed to kill when you had the chance.

“That’s true. You have an insatiable lust for violence I could never seem to satisfy.” Teck placed his hand under his chin, looking at you appreciatively. “Tell me his name and I’ll release you” he bargained.

“I’ll give you a first name, and you’ll get the rest after I’m free.” It didn’t matter at this point if Teck unbound you, you didn’t have the strength to even stand. The minutes were ticking by and you could only hope to keep him here with you to ensure he died along with you.

He clicked his tongue at you. “It shouldn’t even matter to me who you want dead, but I am kind enough to grant my lover’s dying wish. You’re so pale and cold that the blood loss alone should kill you very soon. You’re no threat to me as you are, so I agree to your terms.” Teck sketched an extravagant bow, one arm around his waist and the other extended over his head where he bent over.

The arm at his waist twitched. He rose quickly with a perturbed look on his face and searched his pockets, looking for something.

Looking for the comm device that was hidden underneath you.

“What?” he breathed, frantically searching every pocket in his suit.

You stayed quiet. You couldn’t let him find the comm with enough time to disarm the self-destruct sequence; you were also fading fast and barely had the energy to keep your eyes open and focused on Teck as his desperation increased.

Just then, sirens and red lights started blaring through the facility. You hoped that it was the proximity alert warning of Teck’s own mobile weapons careening ever closer. A grin spread over your face and you finally allowed your eyes to slip shut, content in the knowledge that everything was almost over.

“What did you do?!” Teck yelled, storming up to you and grabbing your face hard to inspect your grin. He squeezed your jaw and wrenched your head to the side, but your eyes stayed shut and you tried to keep your smile in place.

Teck roared and you felt blinding pain in your thigh. He had grabbed the drill from the side cart and was boring into your flesh yet again. You screamed with all the energy you had left in your body and thrashed weakly against the table.

You heard a strangled noise and the drill fell abruptly away from you, leaving you gasping and writhing in pain. There was a scuffle of some kind happening near you, but you were too tired to even care. You just wanted to drift off before you got blown away by the explosions of Teck’s weapons when they arrived. There was a solid  _ whump _ and the struggle ended.

A sudden pressure over your thigh wounds caused you to whimper and for tears to slide from your eyes. Someone was chattering at you and patting you on the face, wanting you to open your eyes, but you were too tired.

Until your mind recognized a name you hadn’t heard in years.

“Princess…” came a garbled voice, distorted by your mind’s inability to process information after so much overstimulation.

You only had the ability to peer out from between your barely parted lids -- just enough to see a distressed face in front of you. The sight made your tears come faster and your breaths unsteady, but you couldn’t figure out why this person’s presence brought them on.

“ _ Run _ …” you breathed, knowing they would not be able to hear you, even as close as they were to your lips. You tried to repeat yourself, but nothing came out.

“I got you, princess. I got you.” The voice was still muted, fighting to be heard over the wailing of the sirens and rush of blood in your ears. 

There was tugging and jerking at your wrists and ankles. The sensation of circulation returning into your digits was uncomfortable, but preferable to focusing on the pain in your abdomen and thighs. An arm appeared behind your shoulders and another beneath your knees, lifting you up and into the cradle of their arms. Your head was limp against their shoulder, but you needed to try once more to warn them of the impending explosion.

“ _ Leave...me. Run...bombs… _ ” was all you could manage. You could feel your blood pooling, thick and warm, where your legs were pulled in tight to your body, creating a bowl that was filling fast.

“Not without you, Princess. Never again.” 

A kiss was pressed to your clammy and cold forehead. You were jostled back and forth as they took off running, each movement shooting daggers of pain through your nerves. 

They needed to leave you behind, needed to run as fast as possible without the hindrance of your dead weight in their arms. There couldn’t be much time left until everything was gone. Whoever was trying to save you, no matter how familiar they seemed, didn’t need to try and be a hero right now. They needed to drop you and run like their life depended on it.

Because it did.

“ _ P-please… _ ” you begged them, wanting to save just one life before your own ended. With the way you were losing all feeling and the will to stay awake, you knew it wasn’t going to be long now.

“We’re almost there. Almost there.” The vibrations from the voice ricocheted through your body, setting off shivers that wouldn’t stop. Your teeth were chattering and your tongue was thick and dry in your mouth. You were gasping out whimpers and struggling to breathe with every shudder of your body and jolt of their footfalls. 

“Shh-shhhh. It’s okay, (Y/N). It’s okay. We’re almost out. We’re almost there.” 

You didn’t register the frantic pace of their heart drumming under your ear or the distraught and desperate way in which they were trying to comfort you. Their voice was cracking and quaking on nearly every word, heartbroken and devastated that this was how they had found you after so long apart.

Your head slid from their shoulder and sagged over their arm, your body shuddering violently one final time and going still.

The last thing you heard was them pleading for someone you hadn’t known for a long time. 

“Stay with me, princess.” 

“Please, (Y/N).”

“I need you to wake up for me. Please,  _ please _ wake up (Y/N)!”


	10. Wish You Were Sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where are you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two chapters left after this!  
> No warnings that I can think of.
> 
> Listen to the song! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHyE_erqAe0

Something about this place didn’t feel right… 

You were standing in an empty corridor, the walls and ceiling coming together into rounded corners and extending as far as the eye could see in front of and behind you. It was well lit, but there were no signs to tell you which way you should begin walking. Confusedly looking between your two options, you hunched your shoulders into yourself to try and ward off the strange feeling that was permeating the air.

You could hear machinery clanking and whirring away behind the walls. There were hissing sounds that were timed to your breathing and beeps were echoing the thud of your heart. When you placed your ear against the side of the hall, you could very faintly hear the chatter from a group of people.

“Hello?” You called out, rapping your fist against the metal walls. The conversations didn’t pause and no one answered you. 

Your confusion at the situation was getting the best of you and you were getting scared. You could feel that you weren’t supposed to be there, and the oppressive feeling that was weighing down on you was becoming harder to bear. You needed to pick a direction and run to get away from this feeling.

You peered again down either side of the hallway and chose one at random. You took off in a sprint and kept pace for quite a while until your breaths became labored and your heart raced. The hissing noises and beeping in the walls sped up to match. 

You couldn’t feel any sensation of temperature, but the further you went, the tighter into yourself you curled, as if trying to stay warm on a chilly night. You wished you could  **be anywhere but here** .

Wherever ‘here’ was.

Suddenly, there was a pressure on your left hand. You stopped moving and glanced down, but didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary except for a warmth that was spreading across your palm. You brought your hand in front of your face, turning it this way and that to see if there was anything to make your hand feel so odd. 

The feeling brought a warmth to you that had been missing in this place, and forced the confining weight from your shoulders. It forced your muscles to relax and your body to go back to normal after your jog. 

Whatever this sensation was, it seemed to be leading you further down the corridor. You could now hear clearer voices and the sound of laughter. Intrigued and no longer scared, you allowed the sounds to guide you.

You stopped where the voices were loudest. You placed your back against the wall and listened to what sounded like two children making fun of one another.

“Whatever, you scaredy-sark,” a little boy laughed.

“I’m not a scaredy-sark! I’ve just never done it before!” responded a young girl. 

You couldn’t see them, but from the sounds of it the children weren’t yet in their teenage years.

“That’s why we’re here! I’m going to teach you everything I know about flying.”

“If watchin’ your last flight was any indication, it’ll be a short lesson.”

“Hey!” They both began giggling uncontrollably.

The conversation after that became muffled like the rest, and a new conversation started up further down the corridor. You followed it. They were the same children, but sounded a few years older.

“ **This party’s shit. Wish we could dip -- go anywhere but here** ,” the girl complained. You could hear loud, pulsing music, but their words could easily be heard.

“Anywhere?” The boy asked. You didn’t know how, but you could see his raised eyebrows and quirked lips.

“If you think we’re runnin’ away right now, you’re a nerve burner, Dameron. You’re barely 16!”

“Come on, Princess, we’re going to leave eventually anyway. What’s a few years early?”

“Just  **‘cause we don’t like anyone around** here doesn’t mean we don’t have a responsibility to stay. What about Kes?”

“Dad understands how bad we want to get out here and fly amongst the stars. Those guys at the cantina earlier seemed nice enough.”

“‘Nice enough’. I don’t give two bantha ticks if they were nice; they’re Spice runners!”

“Just means we’ll have a steady income first thing.”

The boy and girl continued arguing, but you knew that she would follow him anywhere he suggested, if he’d only ask her to go with him. The party quieted down and you continued on.

“You’re  **nineteen but you act twenty-five** , princess. Loosen up! Live a little!” You could practically smell the alcohol coming through the wall and off of his breath.

“I have to be mature for the both of us, Poe. We can’t all drink ourselves silly and run off with the first girl that catches our eye. Besides, no one will even look at me here.”

“You have no faith! Come on, I’ll help you find someone to ‘run off’ with.”

“No, thank you.”

“(Y/N)! You’re beautiful, and anyone would be lucky to have you. Guaranteed I can get someone to take you back to their ship for the night.”

“That’s  **real sweet, but I wish you were sober** enough to know what you’re saying.”

“I’ve always thought you were beautiful, princess. No one else can compare.”

“If you say so, Poe.”

“I don’t just say so, I know so.”

You followed along with the conversations for a long time. You had heard the children grow into young adults and stay friends through it all until the girl’s feelings grew to be too much of a burden and the boy refused to acknowledge his own.

“Okay, on the count of three,” he began.

“One…” 

“Two…” 

“Three!” 

“I love you,” -- “Zorii and I are together,”

In the silence that followed their confessions, you could feel the heartbreak from both sides. The girl’s heartbreak was from the unreturned feelings that she had been so sure of, and the boy’s from his desperation to keep everything the same as it had always been with his best friend.

And then the one-sided ending of the friendship.

_ “ _ YOU ARE THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO ME, POE DAMERON. YOU SPENT ALL THIS TIME MAKIN’ ME FEEL LIKE I WAS  _ WORTH  _ SOMETHIN’ ONLY TO RIP IT OUT FROM UNDER ME! _ ” _

Through the impenetrable wall under your fingers, you could feel the boy’s agony as keenly as you could feel your own heart constricting in your chest. He never thought the day would come that the girl would despise him, but he realized in that moment that his own selfishness was what forced her to push him away.

A new conversation. There was the sound of the boy laughing drunkenly. You didn’t recognize the other person’s voice.

“We’ve been  **kissing at your door** for a while now. Why don’t we head on inside?” The other person asks.

“ **You invitin’ me to stay over** ?” Poe slurs between kisses.

“ **I’m over this rollercoaster** we’ve been on, Dameron. I’m ready for you to finally take me to bed.”

“I’ve wanted to take you to bed for a while now, princess.”

“Princess? You haven’t called me that before. I like it,” they purr.

The kissing stops abruptly.

“I-I’m sorry. I have to go.”

“Dameron!”

You listened to when the two childhood friends were no longer on speaking terms and the only way the boy could feel close to her was through unanswered comms. He finally confessed his feelings in a message the girl never heard.

_ “...If I had realized sooner what I had in front of me my whole life and didn’t take you for granted. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But (Y/N)? I love you. Really and truly. And that’s never going to change.” _

The man’s voice was raw, rough from the strength of the emotions he was professing to. He knew that he likely was never going to get an answer to his declaration, but hoping all the same that one day he would.

You had been so intent on listening to the highs and lows of their relationship that you hadn’t noticed that the corridor was ending. You brought your eyes away from the blank wall and lowered the hand that had been idly sliding across the metal as you wandered. 

In front of you was a dead end. You could go no further.

This barrier was the only incongruity you had witnessed so far. You were staring at where it converged with the rest of the hall, but you didn’t see any bolts, welds, or disguised doors. It was just a blank canvas. 

You began to panic again, thinking that you had chosen the wrong path to follow. Your heart raced and the beeping in the walls accelerated along with it. The pressure that had been engulfing your hand this whole time became greater, making it feel as if your fingers and knuckles were surrounded by something and being squeezed together by the force of it. 

You brought your hand up to stare at it once again. There was now a simple silver band encasing one of your fingers, a ring that at once felt familiar and foreign. Did you remember having a gaudy stone on this same finger at one point and feeling revolted by it? Why could you see this same band on a silver chain around a tanned throat and feel as if you were home? And how did you know that the face that was now projecting on the wall in front of you was the same boy from the hallway conversations? And why did he look so sad?

The overwhelming urge to touch his face on the wall and comfort him engulfed you. You placed your hand against the surface in front of you and the corridor vanished.

***

You awoke to a bright light shining behind your eyelids, but your body was preventing you from opening them and looking around. You could feel pin pricks in your elbows, but, again, you were unable to move away from the pain due to the muscle paralysis you seemed to have. Your mind was sluggish, and taking stock of your body and how you felt was taking up all the brain-power you possessed after just coming out of that weird dream.

But was it a dream? You could still feel that pressure on your hand, the one that led you towards Poe’s face. 

You now knew that it was Poe you had seen at the end and Poe you had heard all along the path, but what you didn’t know was if it was all real.

You could remember a few of the conversations you’d overheard, but others were either lost to the recesses of your mind or had never happened in the first place. 

And the last thing you heard Poe say? About being in love with you? He would  _ never  _ say that to you, so it couldn’t be real.

Could it?


	11. The Cut That Always Bleeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long-awaited reunion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mwuhahahaha
> 
> I reallllly liked how this chapter turned out, so let me know what you think! (I have a feeling I might get yelled at -- FOR GOOD REASONS this time. Promise ;) )
> 
> Listen to the song here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3nAGZ7dydo

“You need to rest, Commander. You haven’t left her side since you brought her back.”

General Organa was standing at the door to your room in the medbay. She had stopped by under the guise of bringing another set of flowers to replace the ones that had lost their vivaciousness from the days before, but she was really there to check on you both. She had her hands folded in front of her and a kind look upon her face as she gazed upon the scene.

“It’s alright, General; I’m not tired,” Poe responded. He had dark circles under his eyes and his skin was sunken into his cheeks, directly contradicting his words. He was still in the same outfit the medics forced him into after bringing you home and he was still sat in the same chair he had pulled up when they finally left you alone.

“All I’m saying is that you don’t want to look the way you do when she sees you for the first time in nearly five years. Plus, you’re starting to get a smell.” Leia grinned at her comment, giving Poe a discerning look-over from top to bottom. Her expression changed to confirm that what she was seeing and smelling was not pleasant.

Poe crooked a worn out grin at her, glancing briefly away from your face. The General was right in that he could do with a thorough scrubbing, but you needed him here. He could feel it.

“It’s just… she’s been… She keeps going into spasms and crying out, and the only thing that seems to calm her down is me.” With this, Poe looks back to you and squeezes your left hand again for the thousandth time. His mother’s ring was warm where it rested on your finger and underneath his palm. 

The medics had unhooked you from everything except for fluids a couple of days ago, saying that you were out of the woods and only needed to rest. Poe just couldn’t bring himself to leave you when you could wake at any moment.

“I know,” Leia confided as she walked over to him. She placed a hand on his shoulder. “I’ve been keeping watch over the both of you when you pass out from exhaustion.” Leia looks at your joined hands and smiles softly. “I promise I’ll stay with her until you return. Go shower and grab some rations to bring back. I won’t even suggest a nap, because I know you won’t listen.” She pats him firmly, indicating that he needed to move.

“General…” Poe pleaded weakly.

“I’m not taking no for an answer, young man. Go.” Leia practically shoved him out of the chair and took up his spot with a satisfied smirk.

Poe was still holding your hand, but bent down to place a kiss to your knuckles before letting go.

“I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Don’t get comfortable,” Poe warned, glaring good-naturedly at the general. He began walking backwards out of your room, reluctant to let you out of his site for even a moment.

“I’ll return your post to you when you get back,” Leia assured. When Poe was gone, she released a long sigh, staring at your still-bruised face. “I’m so sorry, little one.”

Leia placed her left hand where Poe had been clutching yours and her right hand on your forearm, stroking your skin softly. She began humming an Alderaanian lullaby she had grown up with and passed the time by focusing on your breathing.

***

Poe was walking towards your room in medbay after the fastest shower he could take and eating the few bites of food he could stomach without exacerbating the gnawing pit in his gut. BB-8 was rolling along beside him, excitedly beeping about how well the two of you would get along once you finally met. Poe gave his droid a sad smile, convinced that once you woke up you’d want him as far away from you as possible. After all, you hadn’t reached out after all these years.

But still. Poe had the chance to be near you again after so long and he wasn’t going to waste it. He was already jogging around corners with BB-8 hot on his heels, but the sight of the General standing outside of the medbay caused Poe to sprint the last few yards. His heart was in his throat and all the air was punched from his lungs at the thoughts of something having happened to you while he was gone.

_ Stupid. Stupid! I should have stayed, I should have been with her. Maker, if she died… _

Poe’s thoughts were spiralling out of control as he tried to race past Leia, but she grabbed him by the arm and halted his progress.

“Calm down, son. Everything is alright. I was just giving her friend some time alone with her. We’re not the only ones who love (Y/N).” The General gave him a firm squeeze on his arm and a reassuring nod. “I just wanted to be here when you returned. But! I have a resistance to run, so I’m going to go now.” She released his arm and patted him on the chest, taking in a deep breath and straightening to her full height. With a last look back inside the medbay, Leia walked off.

Poe knew who was going to be in your room, and he was nervous. He hadn’t left the Spice Runners of Kijimi on the best of terms, so seeing Zorii again was going to take whatever sanity he had left. Their brief conversation before was so focused on your abduction that he hadn’t gotten the chance to apologize to Zorii. They had never technically ended whatever relationship they had, but they were both well aware that history and  _ you  _ were the only connections between them now.

Poe cautiously walked to your room, peeking in on the woman who had once been his lover. He noted her stiff posture as she stood beside your bed, hands clenched around the guardrails and quietly fuming.

“This is your fault,” Zorii murmured, having noticed Poe’s arrival. “If you hadn’t been an idiot and left things the way you did, she would be fine. She would be  _ safe _ . Safe with me and Zalos and maybe someone she wouldn’t have to try so hard to forget.”

Zorii refused to take her eyes off of you and Poe never looked anywhere  _ but  _ you when he was in your room. The last week and your ups and downs since recovering you from Teck Terran had instilled in Poe a fear that if he looked away for too long you would disappear.

Poe moved to the foot of your bed and rested yet another blanket on your feet, afraid that they were cold and you had no way of telling him. You had often complained growing up that your feet and hands were always chilly and Poe had always been there to warm them up for you.

He hadn’t been there to do that these past few years and that broke his heart.

“I know,” Poe whispered, delicately smoothing out the non-existent wrinkles on the covers. 

He didn’t dare walk any closer to you or Zorii, ashamed of himself for his past actions and not wanting to upset Zorii by taking your hand as if he had the right to anymore. She would be furious to see how comfortable Poe had gotten with touching you once again.

Poe’s voice remained quiet with his next words.

“You probably already know how she feels, but I overheard what she told Terran when I went to rescue her. I know she hates me. I know she wishes I were dead. But I  _ need _ to talk to her. Just once.”

Zorii jerked her head up, eyes flashing and nostrils flaring. “You’re the biggest nerfherder in the galaxy if you believe that,” she steamed. Zorii huffed out an angry laugh and crossed her arms. “I don’t care what you heard; she was saying whatever she needed to get out of that situation. Don’t take anything you heard her say back there to heart.”

Poe quickly glanced up, reading her expression to see if she was telling the truth. Zorii rolled her eyes nearly to the back of her head at Poe’s stupidity.

“You’ve known this girl your whole life; don’t act like a fight and five standard years between you changed who she is. You know damn well she could never want you dead,” Zorii explained, uncrossing her arms and bending at the waist to rest her palms flat on the mattress beside your arm. She was no longer looking at Poe or the ceiling, but staring intently at your peaceful face.

“She may have been beside herself with anger when you first left, but once she realized you were really gone and not coming back, she was just sad. She couldn’t believe that her  _ best friend  _ left her behind because he couldn’t get over the fact that she developed feelings for him.” Zorii shook her head back and forth, frustrated. “Maker. Even  _ I’m _ still mad at you and I wasn’t nearly as invested as she was. Is. I’m not sure how she feels anymore since she refused to talk about you,” Zorii said flippantly.

Poe’s heart was quickly crumbling with every word Zorii spoke. He knew he messed up.  _ Maker, _ did he know. But it tore him up inside to hear that you wouldn’t even talk about him. The years of pain your silence caused were almost preferable to the needle-sharp words that Zorii was driving through his chest. 

“I just- I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I was helping her.” Poe’s voice was warbling, dangerously close to breaking. “ _ I’m sorry _ ,” Poe whispered for what felt like the millionth time to your sleeping figure. “I want to make it right. I want to come back to her.”

“ **You know what you’re doing when you’re coming back, so if you’re gonna leave you better leave. Better do it fast** .  _ Before  _ she wakes up. Because if you break her heart again, I won’t hesitate to end you,” Zorii promised. The venom in her words and the conviction she put behind them only further proved to Poe that your friendship had solidified into a sisterhood that no one should dare underestimate. He was glad that you had a friend as protective and loyal as Zorii, and couldn’t help but feel that if he hadn’t left, you two never would have gotten as close as you now were.

“I don’t want to leave. Never again,” Poe professed quietly. He found himself walking around the side of your bed, opposite Zorii. He took up your left hand like he had done all week and gave it a quick kiss over his mother’s -- hopefully  _ your _ \-- ring. He settled back down into his chair and rested his forehead on top of your combined hands. “I need… I need to apologize. I need to tell her how stupid and selfish I was. That I love her, too…” Poe’s face was turned down towards the bed with his eyes closed, so he was unable to see you or Zorii. He was trying to keep her from seeing how vulnerable he was.

“If you’re not serious about this - about  _ her _ \- you need to figure it out quickly. I won’t let you make her  **your lover on a leash when you please** . You had your chance. She deserves better than that. She deserves better than  _ you _ ,” Zorii warned.

Having finally spoken her piece, Zorii bent her elbows and placed a kiss on your cheek.

And gasped softly.

Zorii glanced quickly at Poe to see if he had noticed the change. His head was still bent forwards over your hand, so he was none the wiser. Zorii rose to her full height and straightened her jacket. 

“Let me know when she wants me back in here,” Zorii stated, marching quickly towards the door and closing it behind her.

Confused, Poe lifted his head and watched her go. He didn’t know what she meant by that. But before laying his head back down, Poe turned to check on you again and froze.

You were awake and looking right at him.

*****

You had technically been awake for a few days now -- or so you thought. Without your body cooperating with your mind, it was impossible to open your eyes and see the progression of a chronometer to tell you how long you had  _ really _ been aware of your surroundings.

And aware of one  _ particular  _ surrounding, you had been. 

Poe’s constant touch -- whether it be his hand on yours, his hand on your hair, or his lips on your forehead -- was the one thing you could count on while you were lying immobile. It made your heart flutter and fracture all at once. You could no longer deny that what you had heard in your ‘dream’ had really happened or that what you had heard from Poe directly in this room was fiction, but that didn’t mean you believed him.

**To say he loved you all along** would be a blatant lie if he said it. You knew that Poe had only ever loved you in a platonic sense of the word when you had been together. After his departure, something must have made him reevaluate your lifetime of friendship and how he felt about you. But could he really come to the conclusion that he loved you romantically when he wouldn’t even be your friend when you tried to discuss how  _ you  _ felt years ago?

You were still immensely hurt by his actions, and even his apologies while he thought you were sleeping didn’t fix anything. And his lips on your skin certainly  **didn’t kiss the bruises on your heart until they were gone** . They only seemed to darken them further,  **beating your heart to black and blue** all over again.

And his mother’s ring on your finger only fueled the heartache. You had dreamed about that ring on your finger a million and one times throughout your life, hoping to one day call Poe  _ yours _ . But that wish and all the others blew away like stardust in the wake of his departure. You had tried to stay angry at him for as long as you could, but realized you were only hiding your grief behind your fury. You’d never been able hold a grudge against anyone for a prolonged period of time, let alone the man you were in love with.

Now that Poe was in front of you, though, your anger returned. A steady blaze in the pit of your stomach and shining from your eyes.

Your voice was weak when you finally spoke, but it held a sharp edge. One that you hoped would knock the stunned look from his face. 

A face you had missed terribly, but you wouldn’t allow yourself to acknowledge the fact.

“You wanted to talk, so talk.”

You watched as the light in his eyes guttered out and his full bottom lip was caught up between his teeth. You knew that Poe had thought of every scenario for when you woke up, but he had held out hope that it wouldn’t start like it did. You could see the gears turning in his head, could see how he was trying to find a way to have this conversation now that you could talk back.

“(Y/N), I…” Poe looked down and shook his head, banishing the image of a sweet smile on your lips that he had been hoping for. When your eyes followed his line of sight, you realized that he was still holding your hand. You flexed your fingers to dislodge Poe, still too weak to jerk your hand away like you  didn’t really want to wanted to do.

Poe’s face crumples just a little more, but he removes his hand like you wanted him to. You felt the loss of it acutely.

He was staring down at the now empty hand in his lap, afraid to look you in the eyes and see the anger and disappointment that was there. When he had found you on that moon - strapped down and bleeding out - all he had wanted in the entire  _ universe _ was for you to open your eyes and look at him. Just so he knew you were alive. Just so he could look into the eyes of the woman he loved. 

Your eyelashes had fluttered for a brief moment and your lips had trembled, but he hadn’t been able to make anything out. It wasn’t until you were in his arms, cold all over but for the blood that pooled between you, that he  _ finally _ heard your voice after five long years of silence. You had begged him to leave you behind, but he was damned if he’d let you go again.

That same feeling swelled within him now, that fierce determination to get you back and keep you close for as long as he could. He would respect your decision if you decided he wasn’t worth the trouble, but he had to  _ try _ .

Poe takes a large, fortifying breath. Every line he had rehearsed for this moment seemed inadequate and trite, flowery words of affection that wouldn’t mean anything in the end. You could tell that whatever was going to come out of his mouth now was going to be straight from the heart. 

Watching Poe struggle for words was something new to you. You begged your own heart not to fall immediately back into loving him so easily when he looked up at you with a fire and determination you could feel against your skin.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he began. “I am  _ so _ sorry that I was only looking out for myself and tried to make everything about me and how I felt. I should have listened to you. I should have  _ tried _ to understand that the feelings you had were valid and real. Sorry that it was my own fault for not realizing sooner what we had. What we  _ could have  _ had if I had only appreciated you more. 

“When I left, I was stupid enough to believe you would follow me. Every decision I had ever made, you were always right there beside me. Right where I wanted you to be: right where I thought you’d  _ always _ be. I hadn’t been alone in so long that I forgot what it was like not to have you in my life. We were inseparable ever since we were young - it was like, no matter what dumb choice I made, you’d always be there to encourage or chastise me regardless of how hurt you got because of it. 

“But then I made the one decision that hurt you too much for you to follow me anymore. One that nearly took you away from me forever. I tried to contact you so many times in those early days, waiting for you to answer like you always had. But as time went on, I finally understood that what I had done was unforgivable.

“I’ll  _ never _ be able to apologize enough to make it up to you. But I want to  _ try _ .  **Please.** **_Please_ ** **.** (Y/N), I love you. I love you with my entire  _ being _ .  **I need you like the air I breathe. I need you more than** **_anything_ ** **.** I’ve lived a life without you in it and it was too much for me to bear. You make everything bright and exciting. You are the marker by which I measure the meaning of my life. I promise  **I could be anything you need** . If you’ll just give me this one chance to come back into your life, to show you how much I love you, I won’t let you down again. I  _ promise  _ to never let you down again.”

Your anger was gone the moment Poe opened his mouth. The conviction in his words cut through your weakly assembled armor and punched the air from your lungs. Poe stared directly into your eyes through his entire apology, desperately willing you to believe him. To  _ trust _ him again, and bring him back into the folds of your heart. 

_ As if he had ever left it. _

The intensity in his gaze was eating away at you. You tilted your head back against your pillow, staring up at the tiled ceiling and blinking your eyes rapidly to prevent the tears gathered there from falling. But you were helpless against the artificial gravity of the ship, and the tears rolled down your cheeks in rivulets.

It was hard to breath around all the emotions lodged in your throat. One word from the man in front of you had you remembering what it felt like to be lying on that table beneath Teck’s sneer, begging the Maker to take you back in time to make everything right with Poe.

And now that he had rescued you from certain death and admitted to doing you wrong, you wanted him back more than  _ anything _ . Because he was all the stars in the sky and the cause of every butterfly in your belly. If he thought he couldn’t live without you, how did he think  _ you _ felt? 

But you had been in love with him for your entire life and lost him because of it.

You needed to make him understand that you couldn’t have him coming back only to leave when he figured out that he misinterpreted his feelings. Misinterpreted the loss of your friendship as a new-found love for you. If you could be friends again without the romance, would he find that his feelings for you weren’t ever real? Because you couldn’t handle being  **the kiss he didn’t need, the lie between his teeth** every time he said he loved you only to have it mean nothing. 

If you got a taste of what being with Poe was  _ really _ like, only for him to run away… you don’t think you would ever love again.

Unable to look at Poe with all of these feelings bubbling inside, you whispered your questions into the air above you. They filled the room with a taut thread that, once unraveled, would expose you for the liar you were. 

“And what if  **I don’t love you anymore** ? What if all these years helped me to realize that we should only ever be friends? Could you live with that? Would you stay with me anyway?”

Poe’s own tears fell from his eyes at that. He knew that whatever he said might not be enough, but it was something else altogether to hear it. Pure anguish seized his heart, making it nearly impossible to think of anything but the immense pain in his chest. 

He inhaled shakily and looked away from your crying visage, not even bothering to wipe away the trails his own tears were leaving behind. No matter if you didn’t love him anymore, he could never be without you again.

Poe plucked up the courage to answer you. He stood slowly from his chair and leaned over your bed, placing both of his hands on your wet cheeks and wiping away the tears he had caused.

“Whatever you need from me, princess, I’ll give it willingly. I’ll give you whatever part of me fits into your life now; and if that’s not my love anymore, then please let it be my friendship. I’m done denying my feelings for you, but I won’t force my love on you if you no longer want it. I’ll happily follow you to whatever end,” Poe murmured sweetly, cupping your cheeks and gazing at you as if you were the most precious thing in the universe to him.

Poe was preparing himself for a lifetime of unrequited love -- one such life that he had willingly thrust upon you years ago. He felt as if his love was too big to hold inside, but if that was what you needed then he would gladly carry it on his shoulders for the rest of his life and spare your heart the burden.

You closed your eyes at the onslaught of tears welling up and choked back a sob. After all the years of heartache and silence, everything was finally out in the open.

_ Almost _ everything.

Poe winced at your inability to look at him, and more tears slid out and down his unshaven jaw when he shut his eyes on the pain. It crushed his soul to know that his time as your love was likely up. 

He ever-so-gently placed a kiss on your forehead, allowing himself a fraction of a second to linger there and relish in the nearness of your body. His soft lips forced a gasp from your throat, and you could no longer restrain yourself. You lifted your arms from the bed and latched onto Poe with everything in you.

Your face moved into the crook of Poe’s neck and you were bawling years’ worth of longing into his collar. You felt Poe slide his hands from your face and gather you quickly into him, one hand cradling the back of your head and the other wrapping around your shoulders. He was holding you as tightly as he could, kissing your hair desperately and sobbing. 

The force of your combined emotions made Poe collapse against you. You were now both lying on the bed, grasping onto each other for dear life. Your face was snotty and wet, but you couldn’t keep yourself from pulling your head around and kissing Poe on the lips with every ounce of love you held within yourself for him. Poe returned your kiss just as fervently, his tears mixing with yours on your combined lips and tasting of the same hope you shared.

It was hard to keep your mouth off of him, but you needed to tell him how you had never stopped loving him. 

“You idiot. Of _course_ I still love you, Poe. That will never change. I’ll always be yours. I’ll always love you. Please **don’t leave** **me** again.” Every sentence was punctuated with another messy kiss.

“I promise. I promise. I never should’ve left. You’re it for me, Princess. I love you,” Poe gasped between kisses.

“I love you.” -- “I love you.”

The sloppy, tear-filled kiss was not what you had imagined your first kiss with Poe Dameron would be like, but it was the first kiss of the rest of your lives and you wouldn’t trade it for anything.


	12. The Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happily Ever After...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: some very light smut.
> 
> Well guys, it's been a pleasure creating this story. I can't thank you enough to all those who left kudos and commented on every chapter - you have no idea how excited it made me to read your thoughts and feelings on the project I had started on a whim. You guys are the best!
> 
> But this is officially the end of Poe and reader's story on this one. The only thing left is a little blurb I wrote for General Hux that I just thought could lighten the mood amidst all the angst of chapter 9.
> 
> Again, I appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> I don't have any ideas for any more stories, but if you guys want to send something in I might try them out! You can also find me at MyLovelies-docx on Tumblr.

Your cheek was pressed against Poe’s bare chest, soaking in the warmth that radiated from him. One of his arms was holding you close, drawing random patterns into the skin of your back. You were perfectly content to stay just as you were for the rest of your life.

You glanced down at your left hand that was resting on Poe’s stomach and a soft smile lit up your face when you saw his mother’s ring on your finger. It had been there for a few months now, but had gained all new meaning within the last few days. You had taken a trip back to Yavin IV with a small group of your closest friends under the guise of a lunch-date for everyone to meet or catch up. 

The conspiratorial air between you and Kes felt similar to the last time you were together, but this little picnic had turned out so much better than the last you two had cooked up -- you would even say this one was perfect.

There weren’t many in attendance, just Zorii, Zalos, and a couple of Poe’s squadron members like Karé Kun, Jessika Pava, and Temmin ‘Snap’ Wexley, so it was easy for everyone to find a seat on the pillows spread out between the Force Tree’s meandering roots. The jungle moon’s weather was perfect for the picnic-turned-wedding that no one knew they were attending. 

You and Poe had decided that only Leia and Kes should be in on your plan, since you needed the help with getting everything together. Kes had been over the moon when he watched the General stand up and explain what was going to happen, grinning from his son and  _ very _ soon-to-be daughter to the shocked expressions on your friend’s faces. You and Poe had stood in front of everyone you considered family and pledged yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives. And you both intended to keep that promise.

Focusing back on  _ your _ ring, you couldn’t help but tease Poe just a little.

“You know,” you began mischievously, “it was kind of creepy wakin’ up from a coma to find that I was engaged to someone I hadn’t seen in five years.” You put on a mock-serious face and looked up at Poe, startling him from his own thoughts with your voice. Or you startled him from the beginnings of sleep; you were both exhausted from the day’s activities.

Poe stares down at your face, trying to see if you were serious. He scoffs good naturedly and hugs you tighter into him when he sees the teasing light in your eyes.

“‘ _ Hadn’t seen in five years _ ’. And who’s fault was that?” Poe countered, quirking an eyebrow at you and turning so that you were now lying face to face. His brown eyes were shining with mirth and he couldn’t keep his hands from creeping towards one of your more ticklish spots.

You smirked. “Are you sayin’ it was mine?”

It was nice being able to laugh about how stupid the two of you had been; neither of you felt the sting of pain you used to over the situation. You both had worked everything out those first few days while you were recovering after having  _ many _ heart-to-hearts and sob fests. You enjoyed the return of your easy friendship with Poe and you  _ especially _ enjoyed the new facet of your relationship that came along with being together in love. 

“I’m saying we might both be a little responsible,” Poe replied, shrugging the shoulder that he wasn’t lying on. 

He tightened his fingers on your waist and dug in. Your body jerked at the pressure and a laugh escaped your lips. You pretended to glare and brought up a finger to point at him.

“Don’t you dare,” you warned.

“What? I’m not doing anything.” 

It was Poe’s turn to be mischievous now. He poked your sides again and held you when you tried to wiggle away. There was a crooked grin on his face as he watched you. You couldn’t help but cackle as his fingers continued to wiggle against you. 

The sound of your unrestrained laughter and joy caused Poe’s heart to stutter in his chest. He was indescribably happy that you were both on the same page and as in love with each other as two people could be. He stopped his assault on your abdomen and raised a hand to cup your face. Poe brought his mouth down to yours, tasting the laughter on your tongue and grinning against the smile you were still wearing. 

He would never get tired of kissing your lips.

You both melted into the kiss with ease; the months of practice allowing the two of you to push and pull your mouths in a rhythm that only the two of you knew. Your arms slid around Poe’s neck, allowing your fingers to tangle in the short curls at the back of his head. You gave a soft tug and felt the soft groan that escaped from Poe. You grinned and tugged again.

“ _ Princess _ . I thought you were tired?” Poe questioned, moving from your lips and leaving a trail of warm, languid kisses along your jaw and down your throat. 

You craned your neck to allow Poe better access, relishing in the feel of his soft lips on your delicate skin. “You’re the one that started this, fly boy.” Your voice was raw from your recent laughter, but Poe had never heard anything more beautiful.

He growled into your neck and flipped you onto your back. Poe was on top of you, pressing you firmly into the mattress. No matter how sore they were, you wrapped your legs around Poe’s waist and pulled him into your body. The feeling of Poe nestled between your thighs and pressed against every square inch of your skin sent chills running through you. You whimpered at the feeling.

Poe’s left hand was cradling your cheek, providing himself with a better angle to kiss you. You brought your same hand up to reach across your face and interlace your fingers over top of his. Your wedding bands clinked together with a metallic sound when they met.

You might have been secluded in your shared quarters for nearly an entire standard year already, but neither of you planned on leaving any time soon.

There had been so many things that had tried to keep you separated from each other. The fact that you had grown up together on Yavin was incredible; out of all the planets and moons in the galaxy, Poe had found you lying in the grass not far from his home. And your brush with death while the two of you were separated could have very easily ended the story of your love before its happy conclusion. The universe was a cruel place:  **it ain’t funny, it ain’t pretty, it ain’t sweet** .  **That’s just the way it works.** But sometimes, beautiful things can come from hardship and pain and be all the stronger for it. The universe did not work in anyone’s favor or towards any one goal.

**But you think that it could work out for you and Poe.**


	13. Temper Tantrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short and silly little thing I wrote about how Hux dealt with Teck stealing his ship at the end of Chapter 8.

General Hux was feeling very proud of himself. He had allowed one of his troopers to shoot that low-life Spice dealer once their deal was complete and he had acquired the pickup location of his supply. Hux had explained  _ exactly _ how all the Spice he now owned was going to help the glorious First Order find purchase on new planets. He enjoyed gloating over the blue beast of a man while he was gasping on the ground; it was clear to Hux that the woman associated with the Spice dealer was terrified of the intimidating general and had run away in fear. 

The creature -- what was his name again? -- wasn’t dying nearly as quickly as Hux would have liked, though. He had already run out of things to brag about. He turned from the lump lying on the floor and looked to his cortège of storm troopers. 

“I think the Supreme Leader will be extremely pleased with my accomplishments here today. The fact that…” Hux droned on to his unwilling audience. He was congratulating himself on a job well done and explaining to these bucket heads what they could have done better throughout the night. One of the storm troopers tried speaking to General Hux at one point, but he gave them a nasty glare and threatened their life if any of them dared interrupt him again. He resumed speaking very highly of himself for a few moments more, then glanced over his shoulder to see if his victim was dead yet. 

Hux’s eyes bulged out of their sockets and he spun towards where the man -- Teck! -- was supposed to be lying in a dead heap.

“Where did he go?!” Hux screeched. He darted his eyes around the room to find any trace of the scoundrel.

None of the storm troopers responded, fearful that they would forfeit their lives by speaking up and describing how he had crawled away while Hux was posturing in front of them. 

General Hux began to sweat. Where was Terran? Was he going to seek revenge for the blaster shot that Hux had ordered? He pulled a blaster from one of the trooper’s holsters and held it in front of him for protection. 

“Well. I believe it’s time to go,” Hux stated, raking his unoccupied hand through his hair and feeling stains growing beneath his arms. 

He began the procession out of the private rooms and through the casino, his guards trailing after him. The group stood out among the fancily dressed clientele, but everyone was either too drunk or high to notice their progress. Once outside with the large number of patron ships, Hux walked carefully towards where his own should be, all the while keeping an eye out for a blue-skinned man with a hole in his chest and a vendetta. 

He was just in time to see Teck Terran stumble into his second-favorite cruiser and close the hatch.

“What? NO!” Hux yelled, running towards the landing pad his ship was docked on. He was blown backwards when the ship launched from the pad, landing in the dirt on his back. He struggled to raise himself on his elbows and watched as the ship flew into the atmosphere, leaving behind the bodies of the three storm troopers he had ordered to defend his precious cruiser.

_ Incomepetent fools! _

Hux stood to his full height. He was so mad! He stomped his feet and pounded his arms against the air, throwing a full-blown temper tantrum. Dust kicked up around him and got in his eyes. He started scrubbing his sleeves against his face in order to clear them out. The friction of the particles caused his eyes to turn red and watery, like he had been crying. But he wasn’t crying! No, absolutely not. He was not crying over the loss of his second-favorite ship.

He squinted through the tears that were  _ not _ falling, and fixed the remaining storm troopers with a watery glare.

“What are you waiting for? Call someone and explain how badly you all cocked up the end of this mission! If it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t have succeeded at all!” Hux yelled at them.

“Yes sir,” they responded. 

The commanding trooper radioed to their flagship requesting pickup while General Hux sniffled miserably and thought of how he was going to explain the missing ship to Supreme Leader Snoke.

_ Stupid Kylo Ren better not say a word about this, or else he’ll regret it. I’ll  _ make _ him regret it.  _

_ One day. _

But for now, one day was far off and he would continue  _ not _ crying over his failed attempt at impressing his master.

_ Maker _ , was he going to be in some deep bantha shit when he got back...


End file.
